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Dominant On The Outside, Submissive On The Inside?

Smoldering Woman in Red

Do socially dominant women dream of being the submissive in bed? Science says yes.

When I was travelling around Cambodia on my own a few years ago, I met an older man at the passport office. We struck up a conversation and the next thing I knew I was on the back of his motorcycle heading for an afternoon of swimming under waterfalls. Afterwards we lay on some rocks and got to talking about sex and relationships. Even though we’d only just met, he pegged me a submissive and thought it likely that I desired to be tied up as well. Up to that point I didn’t think I’d shared anything that would have given him this impression, so I sheepishly asked, “How do you know?” He told me that I reminded him of an ex-lover, one who was also ambitious, independent, and dominant in life and work, but who loved nothing more than to submit to a man in bed.

That exchange got me thinking. Is it common for women who appear to have the upper hand in life and even their relationships, to then flip to a much more submissive role sexually? Does making decisions all day and exerting willpower and control in day-to-day life feed a desire to completely let go of all that control once the lights go out? That IS my experience.  Around that time I was also reading a blog by a married submissive who shared all the explicit details of her relationship and bdsm exploits. At work this woman was a powerhouse and a leader, but with her husband she had an insatiable craving to be dominated completely. I related.

Wanting to know more about this curious phenomenon, I did some online research and discovered that scientists already know about this! Apparently, according to a paper discussed in a Psychology Today article, women who are more dominant socially, tend to prefer submission to their partners in the bedroom.

The paper by Hawley and Hensley suggests that women who dominate socially fantasize about submission because type A personalities seek the same. Apparently, if these “… fantasies instead reflect a passionate exchange with a powerful, resource-holding, and attentive suitor, then through them the dominant woman could reinforce her high standing in the group and her favorable opinion of herself.” 

So it seems that a sexually submissive women who may even like to be humiliated by their partner, is not acting from a place of weakness as was once thought. Submitting to a partner who knows how to wield his power well is actually about connecting with someone whose strength, in a sense, matches her own.

Moral of the story? Next time you’re looking for a sexually submissive woman, don’t overlook those type As who appear much more dominant in the light of day!

What are your thoughts on this subject Please let us know in the comments!

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