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Tips for a Successful Kink-Vanilla Relationship

Man Kissing Blindfolded Woman

So against your better instincts you’ve fallen in love with a sexually vanilla person. It happens. The old saying “you can’t help who you fall in love” with is very true. The problem is, you’re really into kink and bdsm and you don’t want to let go of it whatsoever; you need it in your sex life. So how do you find middle ground? Is it possible to coax a vanilla to a halfway point, even a quarter way point? In my experience, yes it is, but it’s not easy.

Ways to find compromise with a Vanilla

Slow and Steady Wins the Spank
Do not try to rush your vanilla partner into anything, period. You can’t expect them to jump right into a diaper and be tied up and gagged. Slowly introduce them to elements of kink and bdsm until they are comfortable with more. You shouldn’t expect them to try anything themselves at first, just talk about your fantasies and introduce them to your favorite kinks. Have them try out things on you and you only.

Use Your Imagination
This is key on nights when your vanilla is just not into any kink or bdsm at all. Just imagine it. Look into your partners eyes, but imagine you’re doing the things you wish you were doing, all the while having “normal” vanilla sex. It works, trust me.

Watch Videos
I find this is a great way to introduce a vanilla into the world of kink. It’s not the two of you trying things out in real life where one is uncomfortable, rather you’re watching different types of kink that you’re into to help ease your partner into knowing what you like and want. Often I’ve found there will be “Oh, I get it” moments where the vanilla realizes it’s not as nasty as they had imagined and then find themselves more comfortable and willing to try certain things out.

Accentuate The Positive
Once you’ve introduced kink into the bedroom, focus on things your partner is most comfortable with, and put the rest on the back burner. This runs the risk of you getting bored quickly, but at least you’re getting something you like out of it, and eventually, one would hope, your partner will become more at ease with kinkier explorations. It helps to use positive reinforcement. Let your partner know how much you appreciate them entering your kinky world. This will remind them that they’re helping to fulfill your desires, and hopefully will want to continue doing so.

Safety First
A vanilla person is often concerned with the safety of those involved in kink and bdsm activities. Be sure to run down safety issues carefully to help put your partners mind at ease. Teach them about safe words. This will go a long way in making your vanilla partner comfortable and to keep the doors open for more and more kinky play.

Check out: How to Tell Your Lover that You’re Kinky

I hope this helps. If you have any other tips for a kink vanilla mixed relationship, please share below!

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Tell us what you think! 4 Comments

  1. Jennifer

    March 20, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    I am the vanilla girl who my bdsm boyfriend has fallen in love with. I need help bc I’ve tried out a few things that he wants, but some things really bother me. He says some of those things aren’t even that kinky, but I guess to me they are. He says it’s love, but it doesn’t feel like love to me. I’m trying to compromise and try, but I am not ready for some things, and I may never be ready for some. Do you have any advice? Our relationship is suffering from this intimacy break-down, as for me, I feel like we have never made love.

    • Lola Page

      Lola Page

      March 25, 2014 at 1:34 am

      Hi Jennifer,

      I commend you for being open-minded and willing to try new things, but as you move forward you are going to have to be very clear with your boyfriend about what your boundaries are. It sounds like you are still discovering what those are, but if you know that something in particular bothers you or doesn’t feel good, you have to let him know and tell him it’s “off the table”. In turn, he should respect your choices and understand that what’s not “that kinky” for him could still be a big deal for you, and something you’re not comfortable with.

      Aside from being clear about your limits, I sounds like you also need to have a conversation about what YOU would like. Just as you are compromising for him, perhaps he can put the kink away on some nights and indulge in the type of love-making that you prefer. If he is unwilling or uninterested in satisfying your needs in this manner then there is a problem. He should be very concerned that what feels like love to him is leaving you cold, and hopefully he is willing to help find a solution.

      If anyone else has experience with this, please chime in.

  2. Jennifer

    June 29, 2014 at 11:03 pm

    Thank you for your response. The thing he describes as his main fetish makes me very uncomfortable and turns me off. I have to lie to aloud as part of his fetish involves me saying I want to do things that I think I reprehensible and morally wrong. I’m having trouble in general with the whole “obedience” thing, but I am willing to try some of the things he likes. The problem is, after a year and a half of a very troubled sex life he has told me that I either submit to him fully or we will have a sexless relationship. I don’t see a sexless relationship as a viable one, and I’m hurt that he is forcing me to choose between this fetish of his and him. The way I see it, his fetish is more important to him than I am. He says he loves me, but now I’m not sure. Are there any subs, or doms, who could help me save this relationship. I want to please him without feeling like I have to do or say things I think are wrong and that make me feel resentful towards him. Help! 🙁 So sad…

  3. Bridgette

    September 11, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    Hey Jennifer,

    I’m wondering what happened in the end. I’m finding myself in a similar position. Did it work out?

    Thanks!

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