The Toy Box

5 Bizarre Sex Toys You Didn’t Know Existed

Sweaty Sex

How big is your sex toy collection? Even if you’re a purveyor of kinky accessories, it’s likely you haven’t heard of all of these wild toys.

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5 Bizarre Sex Toys

1. Fuck Saw
If your dungeon looks more like Home Hardware and less like a vampire’s lair, the Fuck Saw will be a prized accessory. It’s a drill with a dildo, and a wide range of speeds for, well, getting nailed. Some of you fetishists who take the word sex-machine quite literally may already have this beside your bed.

For myself, the industrial quality of the thing just isn’t a big turn on, but I know a lot of women who are in love with theirs—this thing finds that G-Spot when nothing else can. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to find!

2. The Vajankle
When I first heard about this legendary piece of ghoul, I thought it was a satire. The product is basically a dismembered rubber foot with a built in flesh-light vagina. I simply can’t fathom how anyone would want to wank into a severed limb, and even foot fetishists have to walk away from this inexplicable oddity. After all, they like a foot attached to an ankle to a calf to a knee to a thigh and THEN a vagina.

If you do decide to fork out $250 bucks to play footsies with this thing, do not EVER let it be found. Keep it in a locked safe under the floorboards. If it’s ever found, even the most GGG partner will run screaming from you never to return.

3. Dildo Gas Mask
Production of this sexy work of art has been discontinued, and that’s too bad because I find it strangely arousing. Then again, I find most shiny black latex and rubber things hot. This contraption is basically a black gas mask with a lengthy hose and a dildo on the end of it.

It’s straight out of the most sinful science fiction, an imaginative dystopian mask. And it solves a problem we don’t have yet but one day might—how will we still have sex when the smog reaches maximum density? Well, when there’s a will, there’s a way!  Let’s get this beauty back onto the assembly line!

4. Exotic Erotics
So maybe you’ve exhausted all the possibilities for man’s penis, and now you want to move on to something a little more exotic. For those wanting to fuck fake dogs, look no further than Exotic Erotics, where a variety of animal phalluses are available. There’s Daisy the giraffe, Clifford the Big Red Dog, a miniature pony and a bevy of diverse models for, well, horsing around.

I was about to move on to greener pastures when I read two little words that sent me running for my credit card—life cast.  These cocks are made from models of the real deal. A dildo that breaks the mold!

5. The Sqweel
His and hers! Finally, someone thinking outside the box. This funny little gadget looks nothing like a sex toy, nothing disembodied, nothing to insert. It looks more like that carnival gimmick you could never quite figure out what to do with. But figure it out you will. Oh, yes.

It’s the toy of a thousand soft tongues whirring insistently against my labia and clit. The men’s version is the same concept, lapping silicone tongues, expertly redesigned for your cock. Multi-speed for changing moods or for building momentum.

This handy little device works faster to make me come than any toy I’ve ever been with. Get one of each for your toy box now!

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