Did you know that many psychologists agree that folks who participate in complex sexual experiences and relationships—like polyamory or fetishes—are better adjusted psychologically, more honest, and have higher emotional IQs?
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This is because socially unorthodox dating and sex help develop communication skills, and require trustworthiness. Also, coming to terms with one’s own unusual needs—or a partner’s—means increasing sensitivity, tolerance, and self esteem.
But that doesn’t mean all kinky people you meet are up front or on the level. Â
Toxic Secrets Your Online Date May Not Want You to Know
1. She Has an STD
Most people, regardless of who they like to have sex with, assume their partners and potential hookups don’t have any. Big mistake. I assume EVERYONE has one, and act accordingly. My high sex drive  means I need to get laid a lot, by a wide variety of people, and it’s just naive to think no one I hook up with has anything.
Remember your date may not be a liar or jerk, she may not even know. You can pass some STIs along to others without being sick yourself.
Don’t live in paranoia, but do be familiar with the nasty diseases—what they look like, who they affect, what the symptoms are. Practice safe sex, and look after your health and immune system. And remember that you have a right and a responsibility to ask questions and receive answers at any time, as well as to disclose or abstain as necessary when you might be ill.
The great thing about BDSM and many kinky practices is that they are far more broad than just fucking. So there are still countless safe play options when you or your partners are down for the count.
2. She Is Self-Destructive or Troubled
Sex is where a lot of our psychological conflicts play out. And though kinky people may be on better terms with their neuroses and vulnerabilities, that doesn’t mean they have none!
Especially when you start exploring your kinky side, you may harbour negative feelings like shame or guilt. And there are folks who never learn to put their feelings into context and separate play and exploration from reality.
There are lots of warning signs if someone’s practices and emotions are destructive—addiction, cruelty, deceit. Just keep your eyes open, that’s all.
3. She’s a Professional Victim or Sociopath
In women, these are often two sides of the same coin. But whether they are separate or together, steer clear. You can’t fix her. Girl #2 is trouble, but girl #3 is a predator of sorts. This woman gets off on causing havoc and hurt. Think Fatal Attraction.
It’s true that exploring the sexual labyrinth of pain and pleasure can be a healing experience. But this woman doesn’t want to be healed. Her whole identity is based on her narcissism and her venomous hatred of others. She’s dangerous, and she knows what she’s doing, she does it on purpose, and she plays your weaknesses with skills you’ll never match.
This woman can be very seductive, but there’s an easy way to spot her. The giveaway quality is emptiness. If there is something hollow or put on about her emotions, be firm with yourself and get out.
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