BDSM Dating

Do You Trust Your Partner Enough to Get Kinky?

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It can be a real struggle to find someone with whom you feel comfortable, let alone a like-minded partner who’s into the same kinky stuff you are. It’s sometimes tempting to rush the physical side of things once you feel you’ve found the right person, but that doesn’t always work out so well. Sex in and of itself requires a great deal of trust and honesty in order to be enjoyed to its fullest, and kinky sex (because of its prescribed boundaries) requires even more of both. While only you can determine if your partner is trustworthy, the following list of questions might help you decide if you’re ready to go all out, or want to wait a bit before pulling out the kink.

Can You Tell Your Partner Anything?
Many of us, especially at the start of a relationship, are hesitant to show our true selves. We feel that if we share the deeper parts of our psyche, our partners might recoil in terror at the freaks that we are. These fears are the by-product of poor self-esteem, and sadly they are so common. In a healthy relationship there will come a time when these fears slowly start to dissolve. You will both be more truthful with one another and it is after this stage that you can really start to build the trust. Can you share random and unedited thoughts with your partner? Do you feel that you would never be called down for expressing your opinions? If so, you’re off to a good start.

Do You Feel that You Can Say No?
As mentioned above, new relationships often feel a bit tenuous. Unless you’re totally secure in yourself, chances are you’re focused on keeping your partner happy and interested. Maybe you feel that trying that new thing in bed will set you apart from other people and make you seem adventurous and desirable? Maybe you feel you have no choice but to go through with things just to keep the fire burning? Neither of these thought patterns show that you are coming at things from a place of trust. Kinky sex needs to happen in an atmosphere of consensual desire, otherwise it just feels wrong.

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Does Your Partner Come through for You when It Counts?
So you’ve worked through some of those self-esteem issues that make you want to please your partner at all costs. There’s still the question of whether or not your partner has demonstrated the ability to be there for you when it really matters. I’m not talking about support in the form of agreement, which is really just your partner’s will to please, directed at you. Coming through for someone from a trust perspective means being there to listen when things get tough and offering solid support that comes from a place of caring, even if that means saying things the other person might not want to hear. When you and your partner can put each other’s best interests ahead of your respective need for acceptance, you’ll be well on the way to an honest and trusting relationship.

Has Your Partner Betrayed Your Trust in the Past?
If so, it might take a little longer for you to reach a place of comfort. Because of that, I wouldn’t recommend rushing the kink. Maybe try some trust building activities or couple’s therapy. Try to resist the urge to get freaky in order to salvage the relationship unless you’re 100% sure that it’s something you really want to do. Sacrificing your body for the sake of your relationship will only lead to feelings of shame. If your partner is trustworthy enough, there should be no need for wanting to even go there.

Also read: 4 Ways to Introduce Kinky Sex to Your New Lover

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