BDSM Dating

How to Talk about Your Kinky Desires

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So you’ve met a great new gal and you’d like to break the news to her that you’re one kinky bastard. Maybe she’s dropped some hints that she’s kinky too, or maybe you just have an overwhelming urge to find out… wait! Before you unpack the whips and chains, you’ll want to be sure to have an in-depth conversation. Springing your kinky desires on an unsuspecting partner can lead to extreme awkwardness and in some cases, outright rejection. You might feel embarrassed and unsure about how to approach the subject of your kinky needs with your partner, but in the end you could end up getting all that you’ve dreamed of and more. Here are a few suggestions for how to break the ice.

Ask Her What She Likes
Before you even start to talk about your own particular fetishes, try to get some idea of hers. This will give you some notion of where she falls on the kink-vanilla spectrum. This may seem like an obvious place to start, but you’d be shocked at the number of times I’ve been taken completely off guard by a partner’s kinky requests delivered right out of the gate. It’s always a good idea to ask lots of questions first, and be sure you’re both at least open to the same things. On the flip side, you need to be willing to answer any questions she might have for you. The idea is to be completely open and honest with one another.

Research Things as a Couple
If you built up the courage to approach your partner only to be met with a blank stare, it’s time to bring out the computer and share with her the rich and wonderful world of whatever kinky thing you’re into. Try watching some porn together, or even just reading some urban dictionary definitions. It’s really important, though, to be aware of your partner’s comfort level. If she seems disturbed or in any way upset by what she’s learning, stop the investigation immediately and don’t push things any further. Consent is 100% central in the world of kink.

Engage in Negotiations
If throughout the course of your conversations and investigations you discover that you and your partner are equally game for the kink, your next step is to figure out the exact parameters of your play. In the course of my own research I discovered a great website called The Pervocracy. It offers links to a handy set of worksheets, designed to help you navigate all the important questions regarding limits and safe words. With the proper amount of preparation and communication, you just might be able to enjoy that freaky sex you so desire.

How do you approach this subject with new lovers?

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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