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How to Tell Your Lover You’re Kinky

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All of us have our dirty little fantasies, and at times, the desire for these fantasies to be played out overwhelms any urge to keep our kink to ourselves. The tricky part is figuring out how to tell your lover that you want to change things up a little, without freaking him or her out, or getting too clinical and ruining the mood.

There are a few ways to approach this, and so much depends on the rapport you’ve got going in the relationship. If the two (assuming there are just two) of you keep the lines of communication wide open, then sitting down over dinner and announcing between bites of juicy striploin that you’d like her to strap one on and fuck your ass might be A-Ok. For the majority of people, however, especially for those in new relationships or those whose kink has yet to rear its disarming little head, the topic requires some sensitivity and careful timing.

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The key to kink is pleasure. Remember this, because it’s bound to help. In any loving and mutually respectful relationship, each partner wants to aid in the other’s pleasure. Use this principle as a starting point if you want to break the news to your girlfriend that you’d really like to put on nothing but an apron and get down on all fours and lick her shoes while she calls you a filthy man-whore and spits on your bare back. You can start with, “Sweetheart, I’ve been thinking a lot about something that has really been turning me on . . . ” or “Cupcake, you know what would make me incredibly hot and happy?” Let him or her know that you’ve never felt that you could explore this fantasy with anyone before them, or if you have, tell them how much trust is required for you to feel safe playing with them. This isn’t just about making you feel special.

Another method is to . . . well, push the limits in the moment. This is delicate stuff, folks. I can’t stress enough that you pushing the sexual envelope without your partner’s prior knowledge still requires on-the-spot consent. If your particular kink happens to be home invasion or rape fantasy (aka “resistance play,”) or something involving an element of surprise, there is no way you can spring that on someone á là minute. But if you want a finger in your butt, you might get away with whispering that in her ear while you’re necking passionately, or even reach around and place her pointer on your asshole yourself. Everyone’s got boundaries, but sometimes it takes our partner opening up about their kinks to make us realize our own are very flexible.

If all goes well in the sack, then when the deed is done you might want to decompress by asking how things felt, physically and emotionally, while the spooning takes place. In my experience, people tend to be most honest while they’re still connected, naked, and smelling sweetly of various bodily fluids. This is a good time to prod a bit by asking your sweetie if there’s anything she has been wanting to try. If you’d like your partner to be open to whatever makes you hot, it’s important that you show you’re just as excited about their pleasure, too.

Any creative stories out there about breaking the news of your particular kink to your lover? You know you want to share!

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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