Judging from some of the crazy ideas I came across while researching this post, I’m tempted to declare that a man is at his most creative when he’s trying to find new ways to get himself off. In the absence of a real woman, it would appear that some of you guys go to great lengths to use whatever the hell you can get your hands on in the service of blowing your load. So in the name of curiosity and enjoyment, I present to you this very brief inventory of DIY vaginas. Some are weird and disturbing, some are downright complicated… but in my opinion, they are all bloody brilliant.
The Fridge Raiders
These makeshift vaginas are the decendents of everyday food items. They are, I can only imagine, the by-products of hunger and desperation. Hankering for a sandwich? Why not make yourself one, but while you’re at it, go ahead and defile that big jar of peanut butter… with your dick! Or, why not hollow out a large tomato, stick it in the microwave (for a few seconds only!) and go to town? Hell, why not buy yourself a squid (that’s right) from the seafood counter at your local grocer and nail it like a hammer? (It’s called a squidly diddly, by the way… but I bet you already knew that.)
The Benjamin Franklins
I’m using this category to refer to any kind of vaginal stand-in that runs on electricity. Male masturbation has entered the Modern Era, y’all! Have you ever wondered what it feels like to hook your penis up to a tens machine? (For those of you who haven’t been to the physiotherapist lately, a tens machine is a therapeutic device that utilizes small electrical pads to deliver deep-tissue massage). Of course it only makes sense to put it to work on your dingle-dangle, right? Well, there’s a whole community of adventurous pioneers out there who have tried it and loved it! My understanding is that it takes a bit of practice and know-how to do it safely, though, so don’t go hurting yourself for lack of education. The same goes for all you aspiring vacuum-hose enthusiasts. I’m pretty sure that contrary to urban myth, it’s never a good idea to give yourself a blow job with the hoover.
The Handyman Specials
There are some really crazy fake hoo-haws out there made from a whole variety of items including green garbage bags, rubber gloves, non-stick cooking spray, tennis ball containers, moisture-wicking diaper particles, toilet paper tubes, gym socks, shoe laces… the list goes on.  Many of these are definitely NOT the lazy man’s solution to horniness. I was both shocked and fascinated to discover the sheer amount of lust-fuelled creativity out there. If only we could harness these efforts for greater things… Though who am I kidding? Vaginas are pretty great. And after learning about all of this, I feel truly blessed by the powers that be that mine’s the real deal.
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