What is Somnophila?
Somnophilia is the technical term for sleep fetish, and someone with a sleep fetish is a somnophiliac.
The “sleeping beauty fetish” is a rare paraphilia, a form of sexual fetishism which is characterized by the desire to have sex with an unconscious or sleeping individual. Sleep fetish may involve the fetishist waking the unresponsive individual after the act has been committed.
Is Somnophilia the same as sleepy sex?
No. Sleepy sex is the kind of sex you have with your partner in the morning when you’re both drowsy, or snuggling on the couch and watching a movie late into the night. You might be tired, but you’re not actually asleep.
In TV and movies, we’ve repeatedly watched scenes of a couple having sex, and then one of them falls asleep midway through. It’s usually meant to get a laugh, but if you happen to find yourself in this situation (it’s rare) as the one still awake, you need to stop immediately.
Read: How to Have a Sex Dream
Is the sleep fetish legal?
No. Acting on your sleep fetish is illegal because consent cannot be given by a sleeping person, once you fall asleep, prior consent is moot.
“Lack of consent may be demonstrated by evidence that by reason of drink, drugs, sleep, age or mental disability the complainant was unaware of what was occurring and/or incapable of giving valid consent.”
You can look, but don’t touch.
Read: CNC Kink: 10 Examples of Consensual Non-Consent Play
Do some couples enjoy somnophilia together?
Yes, some kinky couples do engage in somnophilia, but not without clear boundaries.
You may be in a serious long-term relationship where blanket consent is involved—you don’t ask your partner for consent for vanilla things like kissing their neck, or kinky activities like tying them to the bedpost before going down on her. You’ve been together for a long time and know what your lover’s likes and dislikes are and what their boundaries are, so you act before asking.
Read: Implied Consent or Expressed Consent?
But… think about it. If you woke up to your girlfriend with her mouth around your cock, would you be delighted or press charges? How would she react if she woke up with you inside her? If this is your fetish or fantasy, you need to discuss it with your partner in depth before you try anything.
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How can I talk to my partner about my sleep fetish?
Understand your kink and what makes it a turn-on for you. It probably involves control, an element of surprise when your partner wakes up. Your partner may share your enthusiasm for this and be willing to try it, or you may get the door slammed in your face when you just mention the idea.
Dr. Laurie Mintz, a professor at UoF teaching human sexuality, says, “If you decide to go ahead and give it a try, make sure to lay out all your ground rules carefully at the outset. Think about what is and isn’t ok. For example, is oral alright, but not full sex? Should your partner wear a condom? Is sleep sex off-limits on a work night? Be specific and try to think of different scenarios and judge how these would make you feel.”
She adds, “…it’s important to remember that your desires never supersede the desires or boundaries of your partner.”
What if my partner does not share my sleep kink?
If your partner says no, respect that, and find other ways to satisfy the desires that make somnophilia appealing to you. Most women are not going to indulge you and even if they say yes, there could be repercussions that could change your life. It’s a huge risk.
The good news is that many kinky women still love relinquishing control in other ways, which include bondage, submission, and obedience.
Read: My Kinky Sleep Paralysis Sex Dream
Is there a way to play it safe with my sleep fetish?
I love the IDEA of someone having sex with me when I’m asleep and waking up to it, but I DON’T really want that to happen. I don’t want to be unconscious and be groped or penetrated. Is there a woman who would consent to this in advance? Possibly, but to me it’s rape.
Read: Should You Indulge Your Kinky Date’s Rape Fantasy
But, I have shared my fantasy (which some may call a rape fantasy) with partners in the context of role-playing, wherein I will pretend to be asleep while they ravish me, sometimes “waking up” or continue to pretend to be asleep throughout the act. I get to have my fun but stay in control. And men seem to love it too!
To learn more about fetish, its causes, and variations, see our Glossary of Paraphilia & Kink.
Do you fantasize about your own sleeping beauty? Please share in the comments.
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