Kinky Play for One

Face it, there isn’t always going to be someone around to grab your dick when you need it. Sometimes you just have to grab it yourself. If you get bored of the good old one-handed grip you’ve been using since you first worked it out as a young lad, then here are a few fun variations to try…

1. Lube it up. You know this already, I’m sure. I know when I was a kid my grandmother was extremely perplexed by where all her Vaseline was disappearing to. Hand lotion is a great solution, too, and it will give you silky palms when you go in for a handshake.

2. Explore your ass. No really! The prostate is up there, and putting someone up there will offer you all kinds of explosive stimulation when you find the right spot. Pro tip: objects that are round fitbetter. Putting dangerous things up there will only lead to dismay in the end.

3. Make a masturbation machine.  Plastic bags, condoms, toilet paper rolls, and lube can all be combined to make elaborate sheaths for your dick. Some people insert these machines into dolls and have a grand time pretending they’re fucking their favorite porn stars or celebrities.

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4. Play porn roulette. Make a list from one to six. Put a different kind of porn for each number. Roll a five you have to jerk off to midgets screwing horses. Make another list for what to do with your cum after you get it out. Roll a three and you have to smear it on your face and go buy a frozen pizza at the supermarket with the cum all over you.  

5. Do it in public. Try not to get arrested! Don’t tell anyone I told you to do it.

6. Auto-asphyxiation. Really? Well people really get off on this. Sometimes we find them dead later. I guess millions more survive and never tell anyone what they’ve done. Breath play is a big thing and some people need a little extra pizazz to get to the finish line. Who am I to judge?

I found this crazy website Let’s Masturbate. People write in and offer all kinds of examples of things they done to get themselves off. Both girls and guys are in on the action. It amazes me how endlessly inventive human beings are when it comes to exploring their own sexuality. Who needs a girlfriend?!?