I often say that sexuality, especially kink and fetish sex, is a kind of ritual theater where we explore transcendent themes unconsciously. We give ourselves over to the highest pleasure, and we find our way through the maze of the mythic underworld, confronting dark places too.
Sometimes our own thrills or interests bring our insecurities forward, and unsolved internal dramas, earlier betrayals, and deep-seated fears can conflict with our desires.
A friend recently confided in me that as a feminist, she was deeply troubled by recurring S&M fantasies of being violently raped.
Realize it’s empowering to take ownership of the fantasies.
Don’t let the fantasies control you. Constantly worrying about the nature of your desire, and courting the fear and shame around them, lets your sexual desires control you rather than the other way around.
Try saying, “So what?” to yourself the next time that internal voice taunts you about your attractions.
Your THOUGHTS aren’t hurting anyone, except you—IF you let them hurt.
Recognize that the challenges presented by your kinky fantasies are part of the journey.
We are drawn to specific fantasies because of our unique circumstances. Exploring those desires is a natural and imaginative way to contend with our inner dramas. How else does our story get played out but through our fantasies?
For example, for women like my friend, rape fantasies might be a way to take charge of the unwanted feelings of pleasure that arose during an actual rape. It’s very common. Understanding that a disturbing desire has roots in our sexual or nonsexual experiences can allow us to accept the place of that desire. It doesn’t mean she really wants to be raped—consensual “rape” isn’t rape at all, and that’s the only kind she has in kinky BDSM relationships. Planning out the fantasy is in and of itself a way of taking charge, putting yourself in control rather than an actual violator.
In another case, an older friend who has been married and monogamous (but kinky) for twenty years confessed that her all-consuming kink for being penetrated by extra large dildos bothered her because her husband was on the small side and she always felt bad that she might make him feel inadequate.
I asked if the kink may have grown as a simple way to stay satisfied with the man she loved. To me, it seemed she had found a creative solution for both of them.
Take power from the fact that you can choose whether or not to act out a kink or fetish.
If you have an attraction that really disturbs you to the core, you don’t have to indulge that fetish. Not every fantasy has to come true, and some things don’t hold up when they do.
I generally believe exploring our kinks is healthy, fun, and liberating, and that shame and guilt and disgust are negative and harmful. But it’s naive to think that our darkest places are always liberating. Some of our desires ARE genuinely disturbing. Instead of letting them turn us into someone we don’t want to be, we can recognize them for what they are: fantasy.
Consensual S&M is incredible, but acting out violent dreams or non-consensual ones is not. The freedom we seek from our stranger longings is not in purging our mind or heart of unwanted thoughts—it’s that we never have to act out our every fantasy.
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