Once I let a man I barely know film himself fucking my ass. In the heat of the moment, it heightened the thrill. But my paramour was a bit of a cad, as I found out after the fact. Even though I asked him to delete the sex tape later, I couldn’t be sure he didn’t already have copies—I worried about it for a long time.
Here’s how you can cope if your porn-star moment found its way into the world, or if it might.
If it’s the worst case scenario, it will still be forgotten.
No matter how bad it is, it will pass eventually. You too can get over the embarrassment that CEOs, celebrities, parents, pastors, and spouses have lived through.
A little perspective. In the scheme of things, will anyone remember you starred in a badly lit dungeon orgy for three minutes on somebody’s iPhone? There are trillions of porn tapes. Once the novelty wears off, and it won’t be long, your fifteen minutes of fame will be forgotten.
Own up to your behavior.
You don’t need to be ashamed or embarrassed about having sex or about your turn ons. But maybe the tape is proof of something you ARE ashamed of and would rather keep on the down low, such as infidelity.
In this case, getting caught just means the truth is catching up with you. It can be painful, but also presents an opportunity. If you were cheating on your wife, say, maybe it’s time to get to the root cause of that if you aren’t satisfied. Maybe it’s time to talk about polyamory, so you can come by multiple partners honestly.
There can be many reasons why a sex tape is embarrassing besides you being naked. If you did something wrong, being exposed is a chance to come clean and fix it.
If you aren’t lying, cheating, or stealing—YOU are the victim.
Sex in and of itself is not shameful or embarrassing or wrong. So if anyone tries to slut shame you or kink shame you, the best approach is to hold your head high and point out that your privacy and sexuality have been violated outside of your control.
It can be deeply embarrassing to face your mother or boss when films of you hogtied with a 12-inch dildo in your ass surface, but the guilty party is the one who broke trust by leaking that tape online or whatever the scenario may be.
Protect the women in the film by standing up for them.
We’re all in this together, but consequences of leaked porn tapes can be graver for women. In some cultures where sexual women are perceived as dishonoring their families, their very lives can be in danger. Jealous men can also be a threat if an ex-girlfriend shows up in flagrante delicto.
So be a mensch when the guys at the pub start teasing you about your Debbie Does Dallas. Let them know you’re not embarrassed if they want to see your naked butt, but ask them to respect Debbie’s privacy by not passing the film around. Remind them there are lots of hot consensual porn to see instead.
A man asking men to respect a lady is often all it takes for guys to reconsider their base impulses.
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