Ask someone what’s keeping them from the kinky sex of their dreams, and they’ll probably say they haven’t met the right person, or haven’t clicked with someone who is into the same kinks.
Maybe something else is standing in the way of your erotic fantasies—fear.
What are you afraid of? Let’s break down five different kinds of fears in an effort to help you push through.
Fear based in Shame or Embarrassment
You’re not the first kinky soul to feel embarrassed. Most of us have had to come to terms with our sexual interests and kinky fantasies.
Kink by nature can be unusual or dark. How do you admit to yourself, or accept it, if what you hunger for sexually is distasteful or “abnormal?”
By coming to terms with your kinks and meeting people who share them, or at least are willing to indulge them, you’ll lead a more authentic and intimate sex life with deeper connections.
If your shame runs really deep, you may be able to liberate yourself with the help of a therapist. For others, a simple change of mind is all you need. Get over yourself, and get out there.
Fear from a Shy Disposition
Maybe you aren’t particularly embarrassed about wanting a woman with a strap-on to bang you into oblivion. You’re just shy. Shy people may not like the competition of the dating game and the intimidating social mixers and kinky parties where they might meet Ms. Right.
Online dating is a solution for shy people. You can lurk behind the scenes, and reach out to the profiles of interest without noisy pubs and risk of personal rejection.
Change up your online dating profile to reflect your shy nature honestly, and to be specific about your kinks and what you’re looking for. That way, only women who are a potential match will contact you.
Fear for Your Reputation
As kink has become more socially acceptable and mainstream, unexpected run-ins are more likely to occur.
Someone might out you inadvertently without meaning any harm, while others are assholes who like to manipulate and play games.
Remember to practice discretion. It will go a long way to ensuring the same in return. But if the cat gets out of the bag, all you need to do is gently remind whoever is curious that your private life has no bearing on the rest of it.
Fear You Aren’t Good Enough—or Hot Enough—for the Kind of Sex You Want
Inexperience in any area keeps us out of the ring, until we realize the obvious—you don’t know what you’re doing until you try, whether it’s Indian cooking or golf or BDSM. So don’t let your newbie status hold you back from the fun.
And remember that everyone worries about how attractive they are, in kink and vanilla dating. To keep perspective, look around you at the supermarket—the people you see probably date and many of them get into kinky stuff.
Fear of the Kinks that Interest You
BDSM or other kinks that are potentially dangerous might be intimidating at first.
Express your lack of experience in your profile, and let someone show you the ropes. Research safety, take a workshop with an expert, or hire a professional to show you how.
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