You’ve found the kinky girl of your dreams, and then some. Maybe you were just hoping to meet a woman who liked sex as much as you did, and now it’s more than you bargained for.
Though mismatched libido is an age-old issue for couples, it’s usually the other way around. So now what?
Rise to the occasion.
One solution when a partner needs more sex is to have more sex.
After all, when a woman complains to her doctor, therapist, or friends that her man needs more sex, she is usually advised to get herself in the mood more often.
The partner wanting the least sex is not “right” and the horny one isn’t “right.” A compromise is usually the best solution.
So one solution to the “problem” is having more sex. You might find you can get in the mood more than you do if you prioritize sex.
I’m not talking about someone doing things they don’t want to do. I’m talking about the fact that I’m not always in the mood for pizza or shopping, but both are fun if I participate anyways.
Think quality, not quantity.
Quantity might not be what will provide her with fulfillment. Why not commit to amazing, creative, connective, unrushed sex sessions?
Make sure you’re in the mindset that your emails can wait, that sex is as important as work or doing the dishes. If you’re just banging her and rolling back to the wall to snore the night away, no wonder she keeps that rabbit vibrator handy.
Kinky people often need their minds to be engaged in sex, not just the body. I can jerk off all by myself, but sex with a partner is about more than my pussy getting off. I want to have a full mind-body-spirit experience.
Kinky couples having vanilla sex all the time will mean one or both of you feeling unsatisfied. There’s nothing wrong with a straight-up quickie now and again—quite the contrary—but I also need elaborate, ritualistic, imaginative, intense, anticipatory sex sessions. That’s why I’m kinky.
Make your mismatch libido a factor in your kink theater.
There are many ways to incorporate the variations in your sex drives into your kink.
You can focus on giving her countless orgasms in a domination scene. You can let her romp solo with her inner exhibitionist while you watch. You can practice orgasm denial, so that you don’t use up your weekly allotment and can deliver next time. You can enjoy bondage where you don’t take off your clothes at all, or you can fuck her with all kinds of things from your tongue to a dildo.
Consider multiple relationships or polyamory.
If your mismatched sex drives are really a big variation, or even if it’s just a little off kilter, consider opening the relationship for her.
Lots of kinky couples are polyamorous. Polyamory can be part of the kink play if you’re into submission, humiliation, voyeurism, or group play. By incorporating another partner for her, you are honoring her sexual needs and giving her an outlet. There will be a lot less frustration and resentment if you are able to work out a poly arrangement together.
Accept that you are out of sync.
This is for both of you. Instead of complaining to and about each other for perfectly natural desire patterns, accept that you are different.
It’s very rare that two partners have the exact same matching frequency or intensity for sex, so acting as if something is wrong when you differ is not going to solve anything. If you’re both happy together and have great sex, work on accepting each other where you are.
Prioritize Time that Isn’t Sexual.
Both the horny partner and the tired one can find sex a lot more satisfying by rekindling the joy of just being together. When the mind has a chance to grow with a person and spend time doing other things, the imagination has a way of coming up with all kinds of sexy ideas.
Restraining yourselves from sex to take walks, visit an art gallery, or help your mother in the garden has a strange way of releasing kinky daydreams into the ether.
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