Lots of tears have been shed—and orgasms lost—by trying to banish a kink from our own or someone else’s sexuality. Yet there is no evidence that any kind of “conversion therapy” works to alter our sexual wiring.
Does that mean we are a slave to our desires, or that our sexuality is beyond our control? Are we relegated to our sexual proclivities, even if we don’t feel they are bringing positive experiences into our lives?
I think it’s cruel and inhumane to shame people for their sexuality, but I also think it’s harmful and misleading to tell people we can’t or shouldn’t control our own minds or bodies. If you’re into nipple torture or BBW, there’s no real reason not to go for it. But some of our turn-ons are impossible or unethical, so can they change?
Kinks don’t usually change with punishment, but they can change spontaneously.
You can’t beat a kink out of someone’s imagination or pray the urge away, but sometimes a kink spontaneously combusts. It’s not uncommon for a sexual fixation to lose its luster.
Vitamins and antidepressant treatment has sometimes resulted in an abrupt change in sexual interest—lost or found. Getting laid has changed go-to fantasies of celibate guys, and new experiences can become new turn-ons while old ones wither in appeal. A change of scenery or profound psychological event can also render an old kink inert. Getting off of stimulant medication or drugs has dramatically altered the kinds of fantasies some folks have.
Experimenting is healthy.
Just as vanilla people can benefit from exploring kinks and fetishes, people who are kinky can find new thrills and versatility by switching up their routine. If it’s always about being submissive, experimenting with other ways to play can surprise you.
You don’t have to act.
Your thoughts are not your actions.
If your kink or fetish is illegal, harmful, or involves non-consent or extreme risk, it might not comfort you to hear that you can’t change your wiring. But you can accept that you have a kink you don’t want, and understand that you don’t have to act on it.
Build up all areas of your life.
Sexuality is important, but if you are feeling obsessive or compulsive, consider that you don’t have to banish a kink or get over it—you can instead create an holistic balance in your life.
It might be time to put the spotlight on the areas of life that you’re neglecting, rather than single out your kink with a shaming strobe light. Focus some of that energy on work, family, health, hobbies, friendships, or exercise.
Work through your darker kinks while engaging in role play and immersion, rather than rejection.
The ritual nature of many kinks and fetishes is a way of working through our psychological minefield.
It’s well known that many fantasies are a protective network or a place where we can safely be vulnerable to explore our fears and past experiences.
For example, many men who fantasize about raping their mothers aren’t actually sexually attracted to her—this is a form of self-defence against her harm. Likewise, many women have rape fantasies. It’s not politically correct to discuss the thrill of imagining being overpowered by a stranger, but for many women, this drama is exciting because we can give up our pretenses, or resolve our anger at sexual abuse that turned us on against our will.
Kinks you can’t act out in good conscience in real time can lose some of their hold if you role play or use them in ritual BDSM.
Tell us what you think