Should You Indulge Your Kinky Date’s Rape Fantasy?

You’ve been hooking up with a hottie you met online, and after trying out a few favorite kinks together, she’s asking you for her ultimate: role playing an elaborate abduction and rape scenario.

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Or maybe it’s your long-term girlfriend or wife, who has made herself vulnerable to you by confessing she fantasizes all the time about being raped. She wants to try acting out this fantasy for the first time.

You find yourself turned on by the thought of it, but you feel understandably hesitant.

After all, you don’t want to perpetuate rape culture or contribute to violence. And you fear that maybe your partner is messed up, unstable, and possibly someone who has experienced sexual assuault.  

Here’s what you need to know about women’s rape fantasies.

Rape fantasies are extremely common.

This may be the first time you’re hearing about it, but many, if not most, women fantasize a some point in their lives about being taken against their will.

When you think about it, consensual sex play is the natural venue for a woman to explore uncomfortable ideas about power, humiliation, guilt, helplessness, control, shame and lust.

You may have heard that women who have a rape fetish are rape victims, and that you shouldn’t indulge their sick fantasies. But it isn’t true.

Rape fantasies are often “what ifs” rather than re-enactment scenarios. They are just as common to women who have never been abused as they are to women who have.

If your girl was a victim, don’t victimize her further by shaming her for how she has been imprinted sexually. Don’t withhold from her the ways she needs to confront and reclaim her sexuality.

If you fear that indulging these dark fantasies will cross too many boundaries with reality, remember: a fantasy is not reality.

You shouldn’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable, of course. But you should make every effort to be open, giving, and generous. The kink community is all about exploring the gamut of human sexuality, and if you’re getting kinky with others, not just masturbating, well, then, it’s not just about you.

These fantasies in no way imply she wants to be forced in real life. When you ask a dom to crush your balls or whip you, are you secretly hoping that a total stranger will grab you on the bus and start kicking your nuts and beating you at random? No, of course not.

The best way to proceed with a rape fantasy scenario is to let her direct it.

Talk it out in advance so that you can be comfortable and have a clear understanding of what the boundaries are. You need to know the basics: there’s a big difference between  pretending to be her father or her gym coach. For some women, you’ll carry the story all the way through, while others will want to “get away” before the final act.

These are the details that ultimately give her total control, and they can give you a much clearer understanding of where she’s coming from and what she wants from you.