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How to Avoid Losing Shit UP Your Ass

Cucumbers with Condoms

Never be embarrassed about enjoying anal stimulation and penetration, because most people do at some point. In anticipation of those times, have on hand some basics designed for anal play—everyone should have a small butt plug, and a larger dildo with a flared base, designed for anal penetration, and sized to personal preference.

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If your kink is anal, or if you simply want to enjoy occasional added stimulation, great. Always have these toys on hand. Why? Because people are too often unprepared, or too foolishly embarrassed to purchase a proper anal toy from a sales cashier at a sex shop who doesn’t give a fig. Then they end up in the hospital!

It really is true: in addition to pneumonia and car crashes, sticking something up your ass and getting it stuck inside is one of the common reasons people end up in the ER.

The new year started off right for a randy couple in the Dominican Republic, with a hubby and wife enjoying a kinky all-nighter.

It went wrong fast, however, with the Mister in the emergency room having a CAN OF GLADE AIR FRESHENER removed from his colon!

While I found this hilarious, it was no doubt incredibly painful. The surgery was two hours long. So much pain could have been avoided with a flared dildo.

The vast majority of such incidents won’t be reported in the newspaper, so it’s actually far more common than even a Google search shows. And that shows plenty—people put stuff up their backsides all the time, and lose it there.

Not long ago, a fellow in Italy got a two-foot dildo stuck up where the sun don’t shine. Doctors had to INVENT a lasso-like tool in order to remove the thing!

Please use dildos designed for anal penetration! They come with flared bases for your safety!

A man in China last year had a harrowing surgery to remove a drinking glass from his rectum! The man arrived at the hospital screaming, and refused to tell doctors how the glass got there. He had to be opened up surgically because medical staff couldn’t risk using fingers or tools that might break the glass inside of him. Breaking glass, needless to say, can be fatal.

Perhaps this is the ultimate example of the age old question: is the glass half full, or half empty?

There are also flashlights, cucumbers, soda cans, Barbie dolls, live eels, concrete, eggplants, mobile phone, kitchen tongs, salami, doorknobs, oranges, toy shovels, and on and on we go.

While you may be tempted not to believe some of these stories, those who are really fascinated can see the medical imagery x-rays all over the Internet.

Some object removals have left the patient anally incontinent or with a catheter. If you don’t want to poop into a plastic bag connected to your intestines for the rest of your life, for the love of god, get a butt plug and a flared dildo designed for anal penetration.

We all like to stick stuff up our butts! So what. So stick to sticking the right things up your arse and stay out of the hospital this year!

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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