A reader wrote in to us this week about her experience with a biter, which brings up questions about consent and BDSM as part of a casual sex encounter…
“About a year ago I had a one-night encounter with a man named “John” who I met at my local bar. He was younger than me, and I thought he was cute. And it had been nearly seven months since I’d last had sex! Urged on by a friend and my own libido, I invited John back to my place for a little fun.
I haven’t had a whole lot of kinky sex in my life. I’d tried a little slapping, spanking, and even bondage before but that was with a long-term partner and something that evolved over time as we experimented together. When bringing home a hookup I never really thought about BDSM play, not only because it wasn’t a regular part of my sex life but because it also didn’t seem like something to try with someone you only just met.
Not long into the sex, I felt a sharp bite on my shoulder. I yelled, “Ouch!” which should have signaled my displeasure. However, during the encounter he continued to bite me on different places of my body, and seemed to be enjoying it immensely regardless of my reaction. To be clear, these bites weren’t breaking the skin but they hurt like hell, and I was not enjoying them at all, crying out in pain at each one.
The next morning we were amicable and went for brunch, but I never followed up with John again even though he gave me his phone number. Later I discovered deep bruises everywhere on my body where he had clamped down his teeth the night before. With a partner, a few bruises or hickies can be a sexy reminder of what caused them, but there was something about the fact that these were from a relative stranger that felt bad to me.
Short of avoiding casual sex altogether, what could I have done differently? Was he off-base biting me during a first encounter? Did I need to be more clear that I wanted him to stop?
-Mindy X
There has been much discussion around bdsm and consent in the Canadian media recently that involves radio personality Jian Ghomeshi. Here are two articles:
Toronto Sun: Consent and education key to BDSM
The Cunting Linguist: Jian Versus the CBC
I’d love to hear reader feedback on this one, but I’ll put in my two cents…
Although this isn’t a question of whether the encounter itself was consensual (it was), it seems our reader experienced what I’ll call non-consensual biting. Is this to say that we have to ask a new partner about their preferences everytime we go to pull their hair or give them a light spank on the rear? No, probably not. But if your turn-on involves elements of pain and would be enough to leave a mark or bruise, one should think twice before just going for it.
So in this instance, I think both parties could have done things a bit differently..
Mindy should have been more firm with John when he bit her the first or second time. “Ouch” doesn’t have quite the same communicative power as something like, “Stop that. I don’t like biting, it’s hurting me and I don’t want you to do that again.”
John on the other hand, had a couple options that would have made him a more responsible lover as well. When Mindy cried out in pain he should have stopped to check in with her and ask her if it was okay. Alternately, he could have said something beforehand like, “I”m really into biting. Let me know if it’s too much or you want me to stop.” He also could have suggested using a safe word if that was something Mindy agreed to as well.
Bottom line: If you’re going to engage in any kind of BDSM play with someone you’ve only just met, be extra careful about making sure you and your partner are on the same page and are willing to stop immediately if either partner is uncomfortable.
What do you think?
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