Bored with Kink: How to Cope

Is there such a thing as kink fatigue?

Jeff, 30, never thought he’d lose his lust for fetish adventures. But in the middle of a BDSM scene with a stunning new partner, he suddenly felt ridiculous. And then… he felt nothing.

“I saw myself holding the whip, the ornate bonds we had learned to tie together, and I thought of all the time invested, all the money, all the ceremony, all the energy spent looking for dates who were INTO what I was, and it all kinda fizzled. As did my erection. Suddenly all I wanted was to head to my mate’s and kick a soccer ball around the yard. With a sandwich and a Coke.”

I don’t see sexuality as a ball and chain—I don’t think a person who is kinky is “unable to get out.” I think we are free to choose to play or not to play, and when and how. Lots of kinky people are celibate, or practice other kinds of sex— sometimes, or for now, or in between partners, or with a partner with different interests.

But that said, it is simply a fact that most people don’t “shake off” their kinks and fetishes. Our interests might change and evolve, but few of us wake up one day “not kinky.”

However, like anyone else, our libido goes up and down. Desire ebbs and flows with age, hormones, health, circumstance, and different partners. Our priorities in life shift in different situations. Along with those changes, the sexual interests and motivations we have will also change.

It’s not unusual to find yourself totally turned off by something that has been your go-to hotspot. A change in your sex drive is going to mean that some of the acts, paraphernalia, and ritual that goes into sex seem meaningless or silly.

It’s no different for vanilla lovers. A sudden dip in libido? Well, sex seems ridiculous. All that grunting and heaving and smells and sounds seem blasé at best and maybe kinda gross.

How to Cope with a Sudden Loss of Interest in Kink

Recognize that fluctuations in sexual desire are natural.

If you are used to being revved up all the time, the first shy moment can feel shocking and frightening. But in fact, libido varies widely between individuals, and it varies widely within you too. Some things that affect desire changes are age, medications, menstrual cycles and menopause for women, fitness, stress, work, having children, and life circumstances.

Rule out illness and depression.

See a doctor to make sure the underlying cause isn’t a medical condition like diabetes, weight gain, or depression. Sometimes the root is where you need to focus.

Take a break.

Kinky sex can take a lot of energy and planning. Dating can be stressful, and it can sometimes get in the way of other important things in life. You may be low on emotional fuel and simply need to recharge the batteries.

Go it alone, where you can still enjoy kinks alone but without the stress of meeting others’ needs.

Find new ways to play.

Any activity can get boring if it’s always the same. The same goes for sex play. Switch things up by trying out new kinks and experimenting with unfamiliar fetishes.

Try withholding or limiting orgasm.

Orgasm denial play and tantric sex are two ways to get the benefits of withholding your sexual energy without being celibate. You can increase arousal and intimacy without ejaculating. Some men find that frequent orgasms feel depleting, especially as they get older. You can stay in the game while holding back.

Have you experienced a change in desire? How did you respond? Tell us in the comments below.