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What to Do when Your Kink Turns Her Off

Woman in Bondage Hog-tied Position

Some bold people share their kinks on a first hookup, while some never let their kink out of the bag. Most of us, though, fall somewhere in between—we wait until we feel secure enough or that there is the kind of trust needed to confess the kinks we’re into.

When you do reveal your fetish, fantasy, or kink, you often don’t know the kind of response you will get. It’s risky and hopefully rewarding with the right, compatible, partner. But what happens when it’s not? Do you try to work through it or run for the hills, or somewhere in between.

Here are some options to take when she’s not responsive to your kink…

Downplay your kink. Depending how out there your kink is, you may want to tread lightly when revealing. If it’s edgy or even dangerous, bring it up as a subject before telling her it’s yours. This will help gauge her reaction. If it completely grosses her out, you’ll know it’s off the table. If she’s neutral, you can tell her you’re interested and ask if she is too. Just don’t mention your previous experiences with other women if you have them.

Modify your kink. Maybe you love to tie women up, blindfold them, and tease them relentlessly to the brink of orgasm over and over. If you’re current lover is new to BDSM, you may suggest blindfold or bondage separately to ease her into things, gain her trust. This type of modification can be applied to most kinks to create a more welcoming environment.

Enjoy your kink solo. Do you fantasize about transgender women and threesomes, but your girlfriend has no interest? Do you have a foot fetish, but your lover hates anyone touching her feet. It’s rare to find a partner who is going to fulfill your every fantasy or fetish. And that’s what porn is for sometimes—a place where you can watch and enjoy your kinks, and still have hot vanilla sex in your relationship.

Find partners who share your kink. If your BDSM sexual proclivities are extremely important to you, be up front before you get too deep into a relationship that might not survive your big kink reveal. Join a niche dating site for kinksters like BDSMdate.com to find your match. Attend sex workshops and events where you can meet like-minded folks in the kink community.

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