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The Challenge of Expressing Desires and Boundaries

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It seems like group explorations of sexuality are such an iconic aspect of youthful mythology. It doesn’t mean that everybody gets to do it, of course, but we at least hear about spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven, playing doctor, naked twister, strip poker, and truth or dare.

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Yet, as we get into adulthood, most of these kinky games we play in order to be open and honest about our sexuality and our desires evaporate. Doing somewhat sexual, or even romantic stuff with a group of people seems like a normal rite of passage when one is young. As one gets older these practices become taboo, at best something that fetishistic people would do.

Why is this? The same thing happens with art, with drawing, with acts of the imagination. Every child with a crayon is an artist. As they age, the ability to make art becomes more and more remote, more inconceivable. The idea that one should play vanishes from the realm of conscious possibility.

It all makes maturity seem like such a depressing place to arrive. Over time the desire to discover and express oneself calcifies. Chipping away at that calcification can cause immense anxiety and distress.

My lady had been trying for the last few weeks to organize a cuddle party. This is an event where people can ask for hugs as a way of expressing their want for intimacy. It is also an opportunity to refuse hugs from people as a way of discovering one’s boundaries. Both hugging and refusing hugs will be practiced.

The curious thing is that the notion of this party seems to terrify people. The ability to ask for what one wants, and the ability to express what one does not want (especially under pressure), are the most difficult challenges people face. It’s way easier to ignore both, and let the heart close.

If you live in a consumer culture, you never need to ask for what you want because everything is a money transaction. There are never emotions involved. Being kinky is the act of freely expressing one’s desires without fear. Yes, you can pay for kinks, but the kinkiest thing that can happen is that two people can agree to indulge each other’s fantasies without judgement, and out of a sense of love.

Being able to express what one desires is a way of releasing the youthful heart within who has been walled off by the fear of being thought immature, or not serious enough for the boring and emotionless world of late capitalism.

I think people are afraid of expressing their desires and fantasies because they are afraid of being severed from the teat of commercialism, and being branded as a person who doesn’t fit in. Not fitting in changes everything. It’s a leap of faith from which it isn’t possible to return. It might be entirely liberating to step back, though, and say, “You know what? I don’t give a fuck about the opinions of people who are too scared to truly live.”

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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