So… You’re Tired of Sex

Those of us who enjoy kinky sex and have a high libido can experience the loss of interest in sex as traumatic.

If you are polyamorous or in a monogamous relationship where sex is a high priority, and you have a repertoire of fetishes and sexual adventures, it can feel really disconnecting or even frightening if desire wanes to little or nothing.

If you find yourself tired of sex, don’t panic. Here’s what you need to know.

It’s normal.

I’m serious. It might FEEL like you have a grave illness, but believe it or not sexual desire naturally ebbs and flows. People who are asexual or who have low desire might be equally surprised and uncomfortable to experience an unexpected surge of horniness. People in the middle will be best equipped to see their peaks and valleys as equally valid. But despite your love of all things sex, you are not a wind-up toy or sex robot.

On the other hand, don’t rule out illness.

Plummeting desire can indicate a health issue or emergency—hormone imbalances, heart disease, circulation problems, diabetes, cancer, and clinical depression are just a few possibilities. If you have other symptoms or sudden unexplained changes, then make sure you see a doctor to rule out medical issues.

You’re tired of the KIND of sex you’re having.

Your go-to thrill can lose its luster after you wear it out. And yes, kinky people can get stuck in a routine. We are imaginative and creative, and kink is a wonderful maze of adventures, but we are also prone to relying too heavily on our “thing” when we have a fetish. If you’ve been bound and whipped every other night for the last five years, you might be sick of the same old same old. It might be time to branch out.

If you’ve explored every kinky avenue and the thrill just isn’t there anymore, the surprise spark might be something sweet and mild—rediscovering the basics. If you have a strong bent for a particular kink, switch things up with another one.

Recharge your batteries.

A period of low desire is nature’s invitation for restoration and renewal. It’s a call to change our pace and to focus on ourselves and other aspects of our lives that get the short end of the stick.

Focus on your relationship, not sex.

If you’re tired of sex and need a break, but are in a relationship, shift the emphasis of your romance to other aspects. Sip wine somewhere dark and cozy and talk until late—catch up on each other’s lives. Do something on your mutual bucket list, and just enjoy each other’s company. Work on the struggles and problems in your relationship.

If you’re not involved with someone, take a break from dating and take care of the other relationships in your life. Spend time with family members or cultivate friendships. Call an old buddy you haven’t seen for years and take a weekend trip. Renew or care for other connections. They’re important too.