Dear Jamie,
I’m a twenty-something guy, African-American, reasonably attractive. I’ve been using online dating sites for hookups, kinky partners, and more. I was really into being dominated and sexy feet. I wanted to date other black women exclusively. Then suddenly I couldn’t stop looking at other hot girls, especially Latinas. My fantasies changed to weird earthy stuff like eco-sex and then it was mud wrestling or other messy sex sports.
In short, I’m all over the map with my attractions and desires. Just when I think I’ve figured it out, something else makes me horny. A lot of times I think about transgender women and wonder if I should go for it on a trans dating site. But for all that, the sexiest sex I ever had was pretty vanilla, because kinky sex seems to work better in fantasy than it plays out. I’m confused. How do I sort all this out and find myself? – Brad
Dear Brad,
Thanks for your letter. I think it will resonate with a lot of us! Because honestly, it sounds to me like you are just an adventurous, healthy, and horny guy. You’re experimenting in your imagination and in real life, and getting to know what works and what is better as a fantasy.
If you have an idea that “finding yourself” sexually means a fixed-in-place kink identity that never changes, you might feel confused by conflicting interests or changes in your desire. You might get the idea from kink communities online that people have “a thing” and a strong identity or orientation and stay that way.
Even though some folks have a very strong kink or fetish list that they depend on for sexual pleasure, the majority of us switch interests. What attracts us or turns us on changes a lot throughout life. If you’re a really horny young man you will be turned on a lot and it can fluctuate constantly. Enjoy it!
I have tried most everything and enjoy so many different things sexually: men and women, polyamory, top and bottom, BDSM, anal, strap-on sex with women or men, partners of all ages, body types, and backgrounds, as well as transgender lovers! Life is rich and my sex life is interesting and amazing! I don’t need to choose from these things—I explore them as they present themselves to me.
If you’re worried about choosing a long-term partner instead of hooking up, then it’s understandable that you might feel some concern about meeting the right kinky lover and not locking yourself into a relationship based on a particular fetish.
Don’t worry about that either—the answer is more obvious than it seems: there are lots of women like me interested in a wide variety of kinky experiments and different pleasures. My adventures include lots of straight-up vanilla sex without the whips and chains too. So enjoy your heyday and when the time comes to settle down, look for a partner who enjoys the same variety of turn-ons that you do.
You can also remain polyamorous when you enter into a long-term relationship with someone if you want to have a variety of partners. See how things play out for you without stressing about it. Sounds to me like anyone would be envious of the kinky adventures you’re having, so live it up!
Tell us what you think