Q & A

Q&A: My Kinky Fantasies Don’t Match My Sex Life

Couple Having Sex against Wall

Dear Jamie,

I’m a guy in my 30s. I’m in not-bad shape and as attractive as the next guy. Women aren’t hunting me down, but I don’t have much trouble getting a date if I ask a few girls.

Here’s the problem: I have an incredibly kinky imagination. Always have, since I can remember. I get aroused by all kinds of kinky thoughts. You name it, S&M porn, submission, women in bondage gear, Japanese rope stuff, any kind of fetish. I make up my own fetishes in my mind, and watch all kinds of crazy porn.

But… and here’s the but… in real sex, in real life, I’m not into any of it. I have tried, believe me, to find the right scene, the willing woman, even hired some professionals to show me the way. Not interested. The best kind of sex for me is what lots of folks in this community would find kind of boring.

I like a basic connection with a woman—taking our clothes off, touching, kissing, and fucking. I’ve never enjoyed BDSM or other fetishes for real. It doesn’t do anything for me when I’m with a partner. I’ve been told that I am holding on to shame and guilt. I honestly don’t feel guilty and didn’t grow up in any repressed or traumatized way. I tried to overcome hidden guilt just in case.

I was in a long relationship with a wonderful woman. We meshed well together, but in the end I think she needed more out of sex than my vanilla offerings. I’ve been dating but want a serious partner, but don’t want to repeat this. Do you have any insights that can help me express my kinky side? – Neil

Hi Neil! On behalf of the many folks out there who have a filthy imagination, creative and kinky fantasy life, thank you for bringing this up.

There’s nothing wrong with you. I doubt you are repressed or guilty or have any other problem whatsoever. If this has been your experience for this long, by now you know what you want and how you’re wired. The issue is very simple—for you, and for many people—fantasy and reality are different.

Most people have longstanding go-to fantasies that don’t work for them in real time.

There is nothing to fix. Enjoy getting off to the kinky porn you like, look at women in hardcore outfits, imagine whatever it is that makes you explode. And enjoy vanilla sex with your partners. It’s the best of both worlds!

I guarantee that you can find a woman who shares your dirty mind but doesn’t need a dungeon or props. I would tell it like it is in your online dating profile—hit up sites for both kink-minded and vanilla connections. There are lots of frisky women who will be happy to find someone who shares her fantasies but doesn’t want to play them out.

Human sexuality is an amazing, varied thing. There are thousands of ways our sexual imagination manifests, and even more ways to play in real life. I have quite a few kinks that don’t work for me in actual sex.

People have fantasies that are impossible, improbable, and take place in worlds that don’t exist with cartoon creatures that aren’t real. Everything is out there. Enjoy whatever gets you off and find a woman who loves plain old fashioned sex but has an active imagination.

There’s a match made in heaven for you, believe me.

How do your fantasies match up in your sex life? Dare to share in the comments!

Tell us what you think!

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