As a woman who falls somewhere in the middle of the kink-vanilla spectrum, I feel that I have a unique perspective on this. I’ve had partners who enjoyed getting their balls crushed and drinking pee. I’ve also had partners who liked it missionary style in the pitch dark on Friday nights only. And while I wasn’t always a connoisseur of their particular brands of desire, I cared for these guys and was curious to experience a little of what they considered hot.
I’ve never felt the need to define my desires as kinky or vanilla, nor have I felt the need to seek out purely like-minded men. Believe me when I say there’s so much to be gained from taking a chance with all kinds of people.
There can definitely be some challenges to work through when two people from different areas of the spectrum try to make a go of it. So what can you do to help things along?
Become Expert Communicators
It’s important to be totally upfront about what you want and need between the sheets. Lay it all out there, then talk about comfort levels and parameters. Think of it as a negotiation and a potential learning experience. You should discover by talking so openly and regularly that you begin to trust one another more and more. Try testing your boundaries a little and open yourself up to trying new things. Don’t rush into it, but try to take in a little of what your partner wants to share. You just might find out some new and exciting things about what does it for you!
Be Honest with One Another
It can be easy to fall into the trap of wanting to please one another, especially at the beginning of your kink-vanilla union, so watch out for that and be sure that you’re always being honest about how things are feeling for you. Do you find your sex life fulfilling given the parameters you’ve set, or are you repeatedly dissatisfied? Do you find yourself being pushed too far beyond your comfort zone? Neither situation is ideal. It’s a bit of a balancing act but it can work out really well. If you try it for a bit, only discover that it’s just too complicated, that’s okay too. The idea is to take a chance, not to persist in the face of misery.
Don’t Mind the Skeptics
There’s a definite faction of people who will insist that you’re both just fooling yourselves if you try to succeed as a kink-vanilla couple. When it comes down to it, only you can decide what works for you and what doesn’t. I think sometimes we feel pressure to identify as one or the other and we restrict ourselves to seeking out very particular types of experiences. Claim your right as an individual to explore and engage in whatever kind of sexy kink-vanilla hybrid you choose. Do it under the covers with lights out one night, then at the sex club the next. Figure out what works for the two of you and just go with it.
Are you in a kink-vanilla relationship? What makes it work? Please share in the comments!