Just the Tips

Getting Kinky with a New Lover

Couple with Handcuffs

When you start dating someone new, it’s hard to tell exactly what they’re going to be like in bed. Actually, in my experience, it’s been extremely hard to tell. And I’m talking about good, bad, kinky or not. It’s always a surprise one way or the other. This unknown is part of the rush of getting to know someone, especially when the clothes come off!

Now, if you do have a few kinks that you enjoy, some bdsm activities you crave or want to try, it can be difficult in sharing these preferences or yearnings with a new lover. You can’t just bring home a hookup and pull out the whip and chains, or can you?

Probably not. Unless you meet on bdsm specific dating sites and have had many a conversation about your individual kinks, it’s unlikely that either of you will feel comfortable with anything wild right away. So how can you get past vanilla without scaring away a new “friend”. Here are a few things to consider that will help you…

Timing
You want to be sure she’s even going to have sex with you before you bring up any sexual kinks. She may surprise you on your first go of things, but if you’re both feeling tentative you might want to wait until you’re having a fun and flirty conversation outside the bedroom to bring up your kinky side, for her reaction.

Pacing
If she’s new to the world of kink, you’re going to want to go slow. Keep those darker pleasures hidden away if you don’t want to see her run. She may enjoy your foot fetish but may not be ready to wear a ball gag, if you know what I mean. Building trust is part of every relationship but takes on a whole new meaning and depth when it comes to bdsm.

Humour
You may take your kink lifestyle or role of submissive very seriously, but when introducing your preferences to a vanilla partner, you’ll want to keep things light to make them feel comfortable. Having a sense of humour about things will keep someone interested. Role plays are a great place to start, and where using your imaginations is always fun.

Gifts
Women like gestures like small gifts, and this can work as a way of introducing her or gauging a reaction to your kinky side. Again, don’t go too wild or you might freak someone out. Something small like a pair of handcuffs or a dildo (that’s how I first experienced double penetration) may be just enough to kick things up a notch.

Safety
When things do get going, if they do, you’ll want to introduce her to safe words and discussions around setting limits and boundaries. When a person begins to explore their kinky self, and realize it’s only about doing what they feel comfortable with and when they are ready, it can help them open up about desires they otherwise had suppressed.

Read: Getting Started in BDSM

How do you introduce your kinky side to a new partner?

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