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Red Flags in a New Kinky Relationship

Man on top of Blindfolded Woman

A kinky relationship opens up a lot of grey areas in terms of who’s in charge and what constitutes sexiness. When you’re playing with pain, choking, bondage, domination and submission, or other such things, then losing control is part of the fun.

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That said, there are safe and unsafe boundaries for everything. Like any relationship, there’s always the possibility that the other person isn’t respecting you. 

5 Red Flags to Watch for in New Relationships

1. Are you able to communicate your needs and desires with this person? Do they constantly talk over you and belittle your ideas? Is it always about what turns them on? Do you feel afraid to speak up, lest you make them angry? Even in kink… no, especially with kink… communication and understanding are key. Kinky people play dangerous games, and you need to build trust to do it. If you can’t express your needs to the other person, then something is wrong.

2. Is this person secretive about their personal life? Are they particular about when you can contact them? Do they get angry if you communicate with them in a way that they haven’t chosen? If someone gets angry at you for calling at the wrong time, or consistently refuses to tell you personal information about themselves, then perhaps you need to worry.

3. Does this person ignore or delay responding to your safe wordsThis is not acceptable. There has to be absolute trust and complicity on this issue, or you have nothing.

4. Does this person have mood swings? Do they use drugs or alcohol? Again, a little danger can be sexy. A lot of danger can be fucked up. If this person’s temperament is pushing consistently past your comfort zones, then they could be a danger to you… or to themselves. Beware!

5. Did this person push too early for increased intimacy? Do they use guilt against you when you try to say no to them? These are early signs of manipulative behaviour. In kink, as in all relationships, a great deal of open talking and an equal sharing of desire is important. If your desires are being pushed down in favor of theirs all the time, then there’s likely a problem. It’s never wrong to say no, assholes just want to make you feel like you’re the villain for not feeding their own narcissistic needs.

If you are in doubt, you can always visit The National Domestic Violence website or call the Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224)

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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