Are you going through a BDSM breakup and looking for a little guidance? BDSM relationships are unique and the end of one may have special considerations.
If you’re over thirty, you’ve probably got a few breakups under your belt. But does it get easier the older you get? It may be a little easier to be the one breaking up because your heart has already processed that it doesn’t want to be where it is, but it still isn’t easy.
You can find a zillion articles on how to break up, and you’ve probably read a few, but what about when the relationship is steeped in BDSM and kink, when specific roles are in place, when a level of trust has never been deeper?
Let me share some tips that apply to breakups for kinky couples.
BDSM Breakup Tips
These tips will apply to BDSM couples who are able to break up with respect, speak on what happened, and sincerely want the best for the other. Does this always happen? No, but we can always do better, right.
Say what you have to say to find closure.
When you’re hurting, you might just want to run away, or ghost that person til the end of time. And if creating space immediately is for your protection (heart or otherwise) do what you have to do.
But if you can talk maturely about your feelings, why you want to end things or how you are feeling about the other person ending things, it will be mutually beneficial. Be the best listener you can be, even if it’s painful. We all grow through our mistakes.
Sometimes real talk can even save a relationship if poor communication is the root of the relationship rot. Don’t discount therapy if mediation might help.
Read: Kinks that Cause Breakups
Decide what to do with toys and tapes.
You might just have a couple of cock rings and a vibrator in your toy box, but you may also have built a sweet dungeon in her basement outfitted with all the extras. These things cost money. Split things up fairly.
Did you make sex tapes? A lot of kinky folks love to record their escapades for later enjoyment. These should probably be destroyed unless you come to some mutual understanding that respects each other’s boundaries.
Read: How to Survive a Sex Tape Scandal
Discuss sharing your history with future partners.
We all talk about our exes with potential and new partners, but keeping the details of someone’s kinky desires or taboo fantasies to yourself is respectful. It also shows others that you aren’t going to one day share their dirty secrets. Follow the golden rule because gossiping can come back to bite you in the ass (and not in a good kinky kind of way!).
Who gets what play spaces and events?
You and your new ex may be part of a kink community—you attend BDSM munches, you go to fetish nights at your local club, you meet for sex workshops at an underground kink play space. These need to be discussed, so you don’t show up to see the other with a new playmate or significant other, at least not in the short term. Pick and choose, so you can both enjoy favorite haunts but not have to feel anxious.
Read: How to Meet Kinky People
Practice civility when you do see each other.
Most of us dread running into an ex anywhere we go, and that’s not just kinky events. You might both belong to the same gym, shop at the same stores, or attend the same school. If passing by without a look is the easiest way to go, then that’s still better than uncivil behavior.
Kinky couples go through a lot and there is a deep vulnerability that spills over when they break up. Remember, you did care deeply for this person at one time. Never use their kinks against them, even when you are hurting.
Read: 4 Signs You’re Ready to Date after a Breakup
What has made a kink-relationship breakup hardest for you? Please share.
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