Just the Tips

How to Keep Your Kinky Hookups Casual

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Do you want to have kinky sex with a casual partner but worry that getting freaky in bed will lead to something more serious—like the two of you moving in together and furnishing your own sex dungeon?

Kinky sex is nothing like your standard hookup. There’s more planning involved, and you’ve got to make yourself vulnerable in ways that vanilla sex doesn’t require. Thankfully, casual kinky hookups can and do happen all the time. Here’s how to get yours.

Tips to Keep Your Kinky Hookups Casual

Have More than One Play Partner

Don’t put all your kink eggs in one basket, try to have at least two partners you can call on. Some people find that having specific partners for specific kinks works best, while others choose a less rigid approach. What matters is that you don’t grow too attached. Remember that you and your partner don’t owe each other anything beyond a good time.

To find kinky partners, see our Guide to Kinky Dating Sites.

Get comfortable with the “here and now” of casual sex, enjoying who you’re with in the moment, then releasing them from your heart and mind when the night is through.

Place Boundaries on Your Connection

One way to stave off attachment is to recognize how it forms. If staying the night has led you to develop feels in the past, decide that sleeping over is not permitted. If you know that a long-term arrangement will make it harder for you to keep things light, set an expiration date.

Just as you would determine safe words and the specifics of your kinky connection, have a conversation about the do’s and don’ts of your casual arrangement. Unclear boundaries are the quickest way to create drama.

Limit Your Contact Outside the Bedroom

Don’t talk about your day, go on dates, or meet each other’s friends because any one of these things can lead to a deeper connection. The fact that kink requires trust might make you want to dive deep into each other’s lives, but be careful.

Focus instead on building trust exclusively between the sheets. Start out slow, and keep communicating. Work on establishing a physical comfort level before getting too deep into your specific kink. Keep your conversations light and focused on what it takes to get each other off. It might feel strange at first, but practice makes perfect.

Don’t Get in Too Deep

These rules I’ve laid out—while effective at helping you keep things on the straight and narrow in your casual kink relationships—do not guarantee success. The need to connect on a deeper level is so strong in many of us that no amount of psychological framing can help.

If you feel yourself sliding into that murky zone between lust and love, get out. Don’t wait around to see if your feelings will go away on their own, and don’t hold out hope that your partner will some day join you in the land of love, because that shit only happens in the movies.

How do you keep your kinky hookups casual? Please share in the comments!

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