Just the Tips

How to Talk about Your Kinks without Turning Her Off

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Most people find it difficult to talk about sex with their lovers, even if they are adventurous in bed. Talking about sex is something that just isn’t taught and must be learned experientially. I still find it challenging, especially with partners who are less experienced or are shy when it comes to talking about their sexual proclivities.

Conversations about sex with a new lover, or even someone you’ve been with a long time, has different levels. You might talk about how many partners you’ve had, or if you’ve tried anal sex before. You might talk about when you lost your virginity, or ask her to direct while you go down on her. These are fairly basic talking points when it comes to sex.

More advanced discussions might include kinks and fetishes, and the deep dark fantasies you’d like to turn into reality. And let’s be real: If you love sex, you’ve got kinks. One legitimate worry about talking with your lover about your fetishes and fantasies is whether she will be turned off. A real distaste for someone’s sexual kinks can be enough to end things right then and there, without even having them try what you’re into.

So, let’s talk about how you can broach the subject—your kinks, fetishes, and fantasies—in a way that will prevent her from being turned off, completely.

Tips to Talk about Your Kinks

Consider how long you’ve known this person.

While it’s possible to get kinky with someone you’ve just met for a hookup, it’s not as likely as it might be with someone you’re on your fifth date with, a friend with benefits, or a long-term partner. Gauge the level of trust before opening up.

Think about what you already know about her.

It’s so much easier to let a few kinks out of the bag if your date or lover has already shared a few of theirs. But she doesn’t always have to come right out and say something, for you to have a clue or two at your fingertips.

If you met her on a BDSM dating site, that’s a good indicator that she will be more open to what you want to share. Or maybe you met at a munch that is organized for kinksters. Even if you met on a more mainstream site, look closely in her profile or at the questions she’s answered that might reveal if she’s got similar kinks she wants to explore.

Talk about sex and kinks without a personal connection.

By talking about certain kinks in a way that isn’t personal, you can feel out your date’s level of interest or disgust, without taking the risk of sharing prematurely. Do this over drinks or out for a walk, when she’s already feeling comfortable.

Ask her what some of her kinks or fantasies are?

You can either do this on a dating site before even meeting, as it can feel much easier not being face to face. This means of communication is also great for those of you who find it easier to express yourself through the written word. If it’s really important to you that a person share your kink or be willing to indulge you, then this is the way to go—you don’t waste her time, or yours.

Start by talking from one end of the spectrum?

Let’s say you’re really into spanking women, but you also want to tie her up, put nipple clamps on her, and have her suck your cock while you lean over her with a flogger. This might be your ultimate fantasy, but you don’t need to give her all the details right away. Ask her if she’s ever role played or if she has a favorite sex toy? Start small and broad before going big and specific.

Do you find it easy to talk about your kinks? Please share in the comments!

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