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Mismatched Kinks and Fetishes: How to Deal

Couple Engaged in Role Play

Finding the right girl to make all your dreams come true in bed, whether just for tonight, or forever, is rewarding but tricky. Often, kinky guys are hoping she’ll accept and indulge your fetishes. But what if she’s hoping you’ll indulge hers, and what she’s into is way out there, or totally misaligned with yours?

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Some common combinations include the classic kinky versus vanilla mix, or the “too many doms in the dungeon” when you’re both dominant. Or you’re both submissive!

Sometimes, your kinks will mix and match—you’ll both be excited to explore each other’s kinky sex fantasies and watch your own evolve into cosmic sync.

But when her kinks leave you cold, what are your options?

Cut your losses and wish her well.

Physical attraction, or even a deep soul connection, doesn’t mean you HAVE to get together. Unresolved sexual tension is a fact of life and can be an amazing spark in a long friendship. It adds a unique layer to a platonic relationship.

You might also simply move on altogether, despite the attraction, to find a hookup or partner who is more compatible. That’s okay, and you’ll be fine.

Revisit, redefine, and reinforce your boundaries.

Your boundaries are there for a reason. You made them to protect yourself psychologically and physically. You set them up knowing yourself and your desires intimately and objectively, when you weren’t swept up in the undertow of passion.

Sometimes sticking with your own boundaries is how you stay out of trouble, and how you steer clear of bad sex or dangerous penchants.

On the other hand, you are at a different time in your life now. You have different priorities and your sexuality has evolved. This is a unique woman, an individual human being, and passion can change what our needs look like. Her needs are also important.

Revisit your boundaries from a neutral platform and then own your choices.

Try it, you might like it.

Maybe you never tried piss play, orgasm denial, or sissy boy stuff. But if getting her off has been hot so far, being adventurous and open minded could bring unexpected pleasure for you too.

Grin and bear it.

If the kink in question is an ethical conflict or something you find disgusting or emotionally unsafe, this option won’t work. But if it’s just something you don’t find particularly arousing, it could still be fun to indulge your partner.

“My date and I shared a lot of bondage kinks,” my friend Celia told me recently. “He also has this pony thing and likes me to dress up and ride him. It does nothing for me, but so what? It’s fun if it’s not the main course.”

Switch back and forth.

If your attraction persists or you’re in a longer relationship with her, one way mismatched couples cope is by enjoying sex her way tonight and your way on the weekend.

While this solution can have its drawbacks, it also keeps things from becoming too routine and works out well for many couples.

Choose what to do together, and share your mismatched kinks with other partners who enjoy them.

If you’re casual dating, hooking up, or practicing polyamory, then enjoy each other where your kink interests intersect, and pursue your other kinks with other partners. Problem solved!

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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