BDSM Dating

Solutions When You’re Both Submissive

Sexy Nurse with Syringe

You’ve looked for lovers on kinky dating sites and local fetish mingles, where you’ve carefully noted that you’re seeking a dom. Yet here you are, both submissive, and wildly attracted to each other. It happens.

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No need to panic. There are a million ways a couple can find themselves sexually “incompatible” and yet still totally hot for each other or madly in love. With a bit of imagination, a kinky mind can conquer any obstacle and enjoy the sexy, unexpected turns in life.

If you and the woman you want most to hold you down and make you her dog are both submissive, here are some solutions that can help.

The temporary fix.

Go for it. Don’t overthink it. You might not be able to find long-term satisfaction together, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a casual fling or a few experimental romps!

Mind control.

If you want to change your sex life, change your mind.

Everyone has an interior narrative in relationship to their sexuality, unique turn-ons, fetishes, and fantasies. You also have a narrative that comes from external sources such as cultural ideas about beauty and family values that you either incorporate or rebel against.

Recognize the power to change your mind. What you think of as submissive—being the one tied up, for example, can be dominant. “Tie me up now!” You see what happens here? You get what you want, and your partner is also on the receiving end of an order.

Give yourself permission to shift gears.

Just because you have a certain set of fetishes and preferences, it doesn’t mean that you’re locked into them.

Look, I love girl-on-top sex because I can take a man as deep as a I want and boss him around. Does that mean I don’t want to try the other 433 positions in my kama sutra?

Take turns.

This time it’s you, honey, next time it’s me.

Role play for real.

Role playing is a wonderful way to explore fantasy and incorporate kinky props and sex toys, and to keep sex creative and fresh.

We usually play our favorite roles over and over, the ones we identify with most. Maybe you’re always the bad employee or the stepson, never the boss or stepmother.

Time to switch that shit up, and role play for real. Try out characters you aren’t sure how to do, digging up the method actor inside you.

Lighten up.

The mindset of dominance and submission doesn’t always have a funny bone, and many fetishists take their pony play or tie-me-up, tie-me-down bent way too seriously.

A little laughter will carry you both through the awkward parts of hooking up when you’re both on the same side of the whip.

Own your decision.

Stop whining about life’s inconveniences and take charge of your heart and loins. Is it a difficult position to be in, or a challenging way to change your perceptions about satisfaction and sex?

You have a few options: stay together and deal with your difference, part ways over it and find another partner, or enjoy each other for a time while recognizing a long future is unlikely.

Pick carefully and own your choice.

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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