Just the Tips

When to Keep Your Kink to Yourself

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Kink shaming is definitely not cool, and if you’re surrounded by crowds where you have to censor and silence your sex needs, you might want to consider new friends or a new dating circle!

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But are there times you should keep mum about what turns your crank? Yes. Here’s when.

Share on a need to know basis.

You don’t need to hide, and if someone knows you like threesomes or leather, so what?

But just as you don’t need to know that your Uncle Ted likes munching on menstrual pads, or that your co-worker likes to insert a butt plug and wave a pony tail while pole dancing, keep these colorful details to yourself unless the person or situation dictates needing to know. A good example would be someone you’re dating.

No need to flag wave, but no need to hide in a closet.

Your private life isn’t shameful, but it IS private.

If you are desperate to share, even if no one wants to listen, you might get off on cock shock or enjoy making others uncomfortable. Take inventory of your motivations before telling all.

You might like to talk kink because you get off on people’s discomfort, or on exhibitionism, and that’s pervy when they’re not consenting.

If you’re just awkward and never sure when to share, don’t. Unless it’s relevant to dating or someone asks, you don’t need to tell everyone what you like in bed.

On the other hand, it’s not shameful to have kinks and if you’re not talking because you’re embarrassed, it will be hard to meet like-minded folks.

Best to keep the details of your desires venue appropriate. When you’re at a fetish ball or a furry meetup, or you meet someone on a kinky dating site, that’s a good cue to share what you’re into to see if there’s a match for future hanky panky.

If others are confessing, that’s a cue for you.

Not sure when to tell all? There’s a time and place for everything, and if you can’t always tell when it’s appropriate to bring up sex, kink, or fetishes, keep the chit chat to other topics unless someone else brings it up.

If everyone at your golf club or the after-work pub crawl is sharing the nitty-gritty deets of their encounters, it’s probably a good time to share yours.

No need for the full blow by blow. Monitor how much is appropriate by noticing the most general and the most extreme story so far, and keeping yours in the mid range. For myself, I like to let people know I’m poly and kink adventurous, but I don’t launch into piss-play stories or my latest gang bang at office happy hour.

Your dates want and deserve the relevant information.

You’re looking for a kinky love connection, and it only makes sense to share what it is you’re looking for.

How much and when depends on how dependent dating is on your particular desire. For example, if you’re generally open minded and into adventure, you might not want to limit yourself to detailed specifics because you hope to try out what your dates have in mind.

But if you need extreme BDSM as a sub or can only get an erection with feeder porn, you’re wasting your time and hers if you go on dates without mentioning in advance that your needs are very specific.

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

KinkLovers.com is the blog for men and women into BDSM, bondage, fetishes, and dating. We post tips and advice for those interested in meeting other kinky singles with online dating, or anyone who wants to spice up their relationship. Enter the world of Kink Lovers with exclusive articles, polls, site reviews, reader stories and more. If you would like to subscribe to our blog updates which are sent only twice monthly, please subscribe to our newsletter using the form above.

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