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Emotional Connection & Kink Boundaries

Woman with Freckles

As with all aspects of sexuality, there is pure personal perception and belief that governs one’s choices and options to balance and weigh in the fun times. (Except the age of consent which is a hard limit that does not easily waver or randomly fluctuate and neither should our moral stances upon such.)

With P-I-V heteronormative sex, the boundaries are generally quite simple and straightforward, and it’s a binary-ish situation we are analyzing. If arousal and mutual interest have met in the warmest and wettest of circumstances, add two drops of consent and voila—sex is happening!

The Importance of Emotional Connection

The emotional, intellectual, and social aspects of sex are usually well established by the time the sexual aspects are explored and agreed upon, and this is the usual flow of events that most situations unfold through. There’s a logic to this process, and one of the reasons is because EMOTIONS are IMPORTANT.

A relationship without emotions is either a possible sex work transaction to fulfill a fantasy (which is NOT to judge negatively or deem less worthy of satisfaction) or a booty call scenario (which I also am not judging, just articulating the differences between relationship motivations and situations).

In all but the most advanced and professional sexual situations between human beings and their infinitely complex peculiarities around intimacy and openness, there is a large chance that people need, want, and desire a solid emotional connection with a person before they can and will establish a sexual connection, especially if they are seeking a romantic relationship or a traditional, heteronormative relationship.

Read: How to Build Trust in Your Kinky Relationships

Obviously it’s possible for queer and other types of people to have emotional relationships, and we happily encourage them around here! (Also, there is a major emotional component to sex work, but it exists on a level of emotional complexity probably a bit beyond this article’s scope.)

Why do I speak about all this emotion and relationship stuff? Because I have a personal policy of my own that some people may share or relate to, either in the sex work community or not, as polyamorous and queer or not, or somewhere as something else entirely.

My policy is that I do not conduct kink play with someone who I am not in a good emotional connection space with. It’s a hard limit for me, and a line I refuse to cross for any circumstance.

Emotional Boundaries: My Hard Limit

It’s simply not healthy for me to explore and express my kink energy and essence when there are complications from other aspects of the relationship in my mind and my heart that might interfere with the interaction between me and my play partner.

I know some people who do the opposite, and use their anger to fuel their kink fantasies, whether its frustrations with the person they are exploring their fantasy with, or with other people. And I suppose doing it with other people might be more logical, ostensibly, but also to be done with caution, if its not already exploring some problematic territory.

Using my external life frustrations with someone as motivation to have a kink scene with them? No bueno, por favor. I’m not that kind of guy with my sex, nor with my kink. Some people like that, and get off on hatefucking someone they love(d). It can be hot at times, and it can be fun at times. To make it a habit? Nope, nada, never. And to normalize using negative energy as attraction’s electricity? Not on my watch!

Read: How to Know if Your Fetish Is Unhealthy

I do not want to judge my kink brethren and sistren harshly or wrongly, never that! But we are allowed to be different from each other, and I have my reasons for not mixing public emotions with private kink. I suppose a crude metaphor to semi-sum up this sentiment would be “don’t bring sand to the beach!” And I’m not sure the metaphor is apt, LOL. But the idea is floating around, and I hope you can grasp it.

If you feel the same, let me know! And if not, let me know that too. And tell me why!

I keep personal negative relationship energy away from my kinky interactions to keep my kink energy sparkling clean and emotional connections motivated only by positive Love, Desire, and PASSION!

Read: Ethical Kink: 7 Values for Responsible Dating

Sincerely,
Adhimu “Malcolm Lovejoy” Stewart

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