I used to assume that everyone was more kinky than I was. I’ve dabbled in some BDSM activities, but I would never say that I am part of the community or an expert on any particular fetish or fantasy.
When I was in my twenties I was having lots of sex, but it was mostly short-term relationships and hookups, wherein having the trust you need for many types of kink just wasn’t there. Then in my thirties, I spent a lot of that time with one man who was very vanilla. It wasn’t until after forty that I started to explore kink and BDSM.
I didn’t always need to be dating someone for a long time either, to get out my handcuffs, bondage tape, vibrator, or blindfold. With age came a wonderful confidence not only in my body, but also in my sexual prowess. I’d had lots of experience in the sack, and I learned to love my body and embrace the changes that come with age.
So, what I’ve found is that most people aren’t as kinky as I assumed. Most of the men I’ve met online are barely above vanilla, and this disappoints me sometimes. Why? Because I want to be challenged a little, have someone draw me out of my comfort zone (which continues to grow).
I did find a way to meet kinkier folk. I joined a niche dating site. Before, I’d only ever used sites like OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. They were good places to start and were free, but the only men who talked about BDSM that I met were borderline misogynistic. I needed a wider base to search from.
My online dating profile had success in attracting men, so I just needed to tweak it to find men who were into the same kinks that I was. I wanted a man with a foot fetish (but who didn’t want to suck my toes) and a playful spirit who liked to role play inside and outside the bedroom. If there were things he enjoyed that I hadn’t tried, we would discuss these through messaging before meeting.
I think online dating makes most things easier when it comes to finding kinky hookups, but you still need to put the effort into writing a great profile, sending personal first messages, and talking about your limits and boundaries. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
If you’re over forty like me but haven’t explored kink and BDSM, take a chance and let your freak flag fly. I think everyone has desires and fantasies they keep to themselves, for a variety of reasons, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a kinky match just hoping and waiting to meet you.
I haven’t found someone who shares all my interests, but most have been willing to try, and that’s half the fun.
Are you a kinky forty-something or more? Where do you meet your play partners?
Tell us what you think