Stories

When and How We Identify as Kinky

Sexy Boss in Lingerie

Inquiring minds want to know, so I’m asking! When did you know you were kinky? How did the discovery take place? Was your special interest there before it became a sexual turn-on?

While my anecdotal explorations asking friends and lovers don’t count as scientific statistical research, one thing I’ve definitely noticed is the difference between men’s and women’s kinks.

Most guys report kinks that come from a kind of “imprinting.” Their psyches somehow take a cue from the scene of early sexual arousal, and keep that object or experience as integral to their sexuality. For most women, the kink develops in a different way, forming through exploration and experiential discovery later in life.

While there are of course many variations, this pattern is interesting in terms of men’s and women’s orientation too. Many women “become” lesbians in later life, after a divorce, or discover their attraction unexpectedly. Most gay men report knowing their orientation long before they understood what sexuality was. Even those who were married with children knew they had a strong attraction to men.

All matters that merge psychology, sexuality, and human behavior fascinate me, and this pattern is curious in terms of the cultural and historical nature of fetish. For example, the furry kink and some cosplay are contemporary fetishes: there weren’t any synthetic animals or Marvel characters before. A more generalized interest in disguise or in something like pony play is much older—the kink of jockey fashion and horse riding is historic.

Fewer men today have a pantyhose fetish, although this was as common as the foot fetish for a time. The foot fetish is as old as women’s feet have been around, and I predict always will be a prominent kink. But pantyhose are not as common as they used to be—women now prefer jeans, leggings, or bare legs—so the opportunities for that imprint are slimmer.

My  own kinks are very generalized. I would say I’m kinky rather than list specific fetishes. There is no one particular kink I need to get off, although some fetishes are much stronger turn-ons than others. I like mild stuff like stockings, denim, and all the saucy outfits kinky women get to wear during role play or sexy dress-up. I also love bondage, spanking, anal, pegging, orgasm edging and denial.

Things like cake sitting or sploshing I can enjoy for fun, but they don’t in and of themselves arouse me. I have an aversion to bodily fluids in general, so I thought things like bukkake, swallowing from oral, or water sports would be off limits, but I have enjoyed some very exciting times in the right circumstances where my own boundaries were irrelevant with certain partners or situations.

I didn’t have specific kinky interests that I could identify early on, but I was extremely horny and always very sexual. I wasn’t shy and don’t remember feeling awkward around boys. I felt powerful, loved the attention, and masturbated all the time—in very creative ways. I didn’t think of it as kinky but knew I wanted a creative sex life with lots of partners.

I was always open to sex with women but never felt that I was bisexual. And I didn’t call my lifestyle polyamorous back then—I just loved sex, lots of it, and wanted a diverse range of expressions and feelings.

But enough about me. I want to know about YOU!

Tell us what you think!

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