Do You Need a Break from Kink?

I’ve been involved for some time with a lover who is into some heavy kink. Our sex sessions are always elaborate, imaginative, and truly fulfilling.

When we connected before the holidays, I was ready for him with a beautiful new pony-play outfit. We hadn’t horsed around before—mostly bondage and S&M stuff—and I thought it would be fun to try out together.

Imagine my surprise when this man who I usually see restrained on all fours with his ass in the air said, “Really, you’re a pony now? How about we try something normal for a change, like making out in the shower?”

My lover’s outburst was an interesting window into the kinky soul—we can and do get tired of having to play all these reindeer games. Kink gives us an amazing outlet for our energy, a way to play, connect, and express. We find community and sexual satisfaction.

But sometimes what would be best is curling up with the dog and a book, not going to another leather-fetish dance party that lasts all night.

Do You Need a Break from Kink?

Desire ebbs and flows.

Everyone experiences changes to their libido throughout life. Meeting someone special can rev you up. Illness, age, stress, new children, depression, medication, drinking, and more can all take you down.

Kink can take a lot of energy.

For all that it gives us in excitement and creative sexuality, kink takes energy too. It’s not always simple to coordinate schedules for group sex, and fetish parties tend to be late night and loud affairs.

Setting up a scene and getting dressed up requires more physical and cerebral preparation—and time—than rolling over on your spouse on a Sunday morning before breakfast. It’s okay that sometimes we just don’t have the time or energy.

Quality control matters.

I fall into this myself a lot because I love variety and juggle many lovers. I could probably make use of an Excel chart to keep track of who’s into what and our schedules, but sometimes less is more. Having an intimate and amazing BDSM session with all the fixings that turn me on, with someone I have great sex with, is a better investment than nightly novelty.

Can vanilla fulfill a kinky soul?

When my lover used the word “normal” I was offended. Given the numbers, kink and fetish are pretty normal. But later I reflected and saw his pure frustration. Sometimes we might feel like our kink is all consuming, and we might long for occasional simplicity, for the subtle pleasures that don’t require such intensity or extremes.

I don’t think kinky people can or should turn vanilla, but there’s nothing wrong with occasionally keeping it low key. There’s great joy in holding hands, making out in the shower, a handjob, and even the missionary position. Being kinky is unlimited—you don’t have to limit yourself to your usual fetishes and you can connect physically without all the fanfare when it feels right.

Focus on other important aspects of life.

Periods where sex isn’t on your mind, or you just can’t get excited about dungeons or femdom porn, are great occasions to focus on other things. Life is about more than getting off. Sex is VERY important to me, but when my drive naturally falls lower, I can get a lot done and make more time for family, friends, and work.

It’s all about finding the balance that works for you.

Do you take kink breaks? When and why? Please share in the comments!