A lot of kinks are fairly harmless, like the popular foot fetish or exhibitionism. But when your kinks involve BDSM, there are more risks that need to be assessed before jumping in, especially when they involve someone you don’t know very well.
It takes time to build the necessary trust for some kinky relationships to flourish, but that’s not to say that many kinky individuals don’t hook up on the regular through kink dating sites or just spontaneous meetups.
Read:Â Kinky Dating Sites: The Kink Lovers Guide
When you have specific kinks, you hope to meet compatible partners, whether they involve sex or not. Most people prefer to meet potential partners on kink dating sites or through their local community, meeting up for BDSM munches and other organized events.
You always want to play safe with others, and what can help with this is looking for red flags, either in a person’s kink dating profile or through what they say when you go for a first date. (No matter how horny you are, we recommend always meeting up for a get-to-know-you date before going to someone else’s house or having someone to yours—safety first!)
A red flag might not always indicate that a partner is unsafe, but that he or she is not a good match for you kink-wise.
Red Flags to Look For in Kink Dating Partners
1. They welcome abuse.
Someone might say this outright on a profile, but not understand the difference between being abused or being dominated through BDSM practices. This is dangerous territory to wander into. If you are looking for a sub, you want to make sure that person understands not only consent and safewords and subspace, but also what the relationship between a dominant and submissive entails.
2. They talk more about what they don’t want.
This is found not only BDSM dating sites, but also mainstream. It suggest this person has had the kinds of relationships they are stating they don’t want already, which is fine, but it also can suggest that someone hasn’t moved past these past experiences. This negative energy may also be born from arrogance, from a more dominant personality, which may or may not be what you are looking for.
3. They only want their desires fulfilled.
Sometimes you go on a date and the person only talks about themselves, what they’re looking for and their fantasies. If the conversation seems one-sided, you may just find the actual sex to be similar. And maybe you’re all about pleasing another person because you are a true submissive, but if you do want to act out your kinks, be sure to express them in conversation to see how this potential partner responds.
4. They know little about BDSM safety.
Lots of kinksters are into dangerous BDSM practices—breath play, bondage, mummification, CBT, and caning are just a few. If you are a pro and love to teach, this isn’t going to worry you so much. But if you are inexperienced and the person you meet is too, it is likely to be a steep and dangerous learning curve. Don’t get into something you might regret, where someone may be physically or psychologically harmed or worse.
Want to spiff up your own kinky skill set?
Read BDSM Education: Where to Learn Online.
5. They are too inexperienced.
Some red flags don’t mean that a person is dangerous, but rather just a bad match. The great thing about online dating is that you can take your time, asking and answering questions before actually meeting. It works for discretion and saves a lot of time. If you are wanting to meet an expert on a kink that you are dying to try or just someone on the same experience level, a newbie won’t do.
6. They have a reputation.
You’re not going to find this out when browsing kink dating profiles online, but if you are out and about in your kink community, you may hear rumblings about people who are using unsafe practices or who treat others like dirt. Heed warnings, but also keep an open mind as it takes two to tango. Acting badly during a breakup is different than engaging in unsafe practices that can cause bodily harm or worse. Do your homework when you hear rumors.
What red flags do you watch for when looking for kink dating partners?
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