Some people are an open book and advertise their fetishes on T-shirts or talk frequently about their kinky capers with anyone at all. Others are secretive, with no one the wiser that behind their plain and steady façade is a wild sex freak.
What’s right and wrong in regards to coming out kinky? When should you tell new circles what you’re into? Do your distant relatives need to know? What about your dates? When is the best time to ‘fess up? Who should hear it, and what should you tell them?
Some folks adopt a nothing-to-hide policy and while we admire their confidence, is revealing one’s kink relevant or appropriate in all social settings? And for the silent types, who prefer to mind their own business, don’t their dates and close friends have a right to know at least a little, if only to make sense of things they may have noticed?
These general guidelines can help you determine where you fit.
Use the no-shame, no-shock rule.
I use this simple metric in many areas of life. It means nothing need be kept in the dark out of shame, but nothing need be shared to shock, hurt, or brag.
If someone at work saw me leave a fetish party with two chicks dressed in red leather while they were picking up a pizza slice, I don’t need to panic. But there’s probably not much more need to share my kink life with them, unless they were AT the party.
Shoot straight in your online dating profile.
Ideally you are using appropriate portals online for dating, but wherever you are, the mate you want to attract needs to know about your kinky side. How much they need to know depends on how important your kink life is to you.
If you like things a little wild but are really flexible, you can allude to enjoying imaginative sex and exploring kink. But if you absolutely must be a full-time submissive to be sexually fulfilled, you should be clear about that.
This way, you have a chance of making the right connection with someone who shares your interests.
Ask who needs to know.
It’s great if you are in an open marriage, into piss, fisting, and bukkake. But does your babysitter need to know you’re off to an orgy? Does your cab driver need to know what just happened in the hotel?
Being open minded is one thing, but oversharing shows the opposite—insecurity and the need for constant validation.
Keep those close in the loop.
For people who are close to me, but are not my lovers, I like to keep them informed but distant. Discretion is a skill and an art, and you can tell them everything they need to know with no details at all.
When my older sister saw me dressed in black rubber with a man who is not my boyfriend, I simply said, “I’m sorry if that was upsetting. I have a kinky side and practice polyamory but prefer to be discreet about. Please appreciate that my sex life is private the same way yours is. I just wanted to share, so that you wouldn’t worry.”
Who do you share your kinky life with? How discreet are you?
Tell us what you think