The world of kink is a small town, so how you treat your hookups, lovers, and partners who you meet online or otherwise is important.
How to Gain Respect in Your Kink Community
Word gets around fast—good and bad—so if you want to maintain your awesome reputation, these are the basics to adhere to.
Be a man of your word.
Deliver on your promises, keep confidential what you’ve said you would, don’t tell different partners different things just to impress them, and do the things you say you will.
Keep your word, even when it’s difficult. Being trusted and trustworthy is a much greater feat than any momentary thrill or vindication. You will reap great rewards in the long run, including pussy.
Read: How to Build Trust in Your Kinky Relationships
Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
There are always times when a playmate needs taxi fare after a session, or when you let a cougar indulge her sugar side by treating you to a few martinis.
But don’t be that grovelling, sniveling mooch who is always begging everyone else for new toys or tender vittles. If your wages don’t cover your kink costs, get creative. BDSM has been around a lot longer than fancy fetish couture or rubber toys. Live within your means.
Read: BDSM Without Toys, Tools, or Equipment
If you’re rich, don’t hand out indulgence to the rest of us. You can treat others once in a while but there’s nothing uglier than volunteering to pay for everything all the time and later acting resentful, which you might do if someone doesn’t deliver your erotic or personal expectations.
Pay what you agree to cheerfully for sex services or drinks and dinner and taxis—no more, no less.
Radical consent is your motto.
You don’t want “I think they wanted it” to be part of your after thoughts, no matter how horny you are. This goes for men and women, by the way. Using physical force to get sex you want is reprehensible, that much is obvious, but for women to overpower a sub or anyone for that matter with demands, manipulations and promises is not a grey area for me.
Radical consent isn’t about signing more papers, it’s about knowing the other person really does want it, not talking them into it because you do.
Read: Should Sexual Consent be Implied or Expressed?
Don’t kiss and tell.
It’s okay to share your experiences, but always respect people’s privacy. If even vague details will risk their identity, hold back. Don’t talk to people who don’t want to know. Don’t jeopardize someone else’s relationship. Keep all secrets that you are asked to.
Read: How to Explore Kink and BDSM in Private
Love does NOT mean never having to say you’re sorry.
Apologize for mistakes, misconceptions, and manipulative or cruel actions.
We all make mistakes, and some of our mistakes are on purpose. By that I mean we often commit an indiscretion or offence quite willfully, and it isn’t until later that we regret it.
Sometimes we just do things without thinking. And when it comes to love and sex and dating, our hurt feelings, jealousies, and lust can get the better of us.
When you are careless with someone’s feelings, or do something stupid like steal expensive fetish clothing from a lover or blab to the world about what kinks so and so is into, it can be really difficult to clean up the mess.
But doing nothing, or adding lies to what is already tricky, is a sure way to make the mess bigger. The only solution is to man up, and say you’re sorry. This can be hard, but it will show that you’re man enough to recognize and admit your flaws. Reconciliation is not always the result of apology, of course, but it simply can’t happen at all if you don’t.
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