Just the Tips

What If Your Kinks Aren’t Compatible?

Dominatrix in Black Latex

My friend Jason met Jennifer at a fetish festival. They really hit it off and seemed compatible in every way. They both worked in finance, enjoyed horror movies, were into Buddhist meditation and mindfulness, both were divorced. Jason was really excited about getting into some sexy scenes together and maybe a relationship.

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They were both disappointed to discover that their kinks weren’t aligned.

This situation isn’t all that unusual. After all, there are thousands of kinks and fetishes, some shared by millions and some shared by five.

Here are some possibilities from my own experience that might help someone in this situation.

Determine whether the differences are non-negotiable or flexible.

We all have our turn ons, and our turn offs. If whatever she is into, or you are, is simply neutral to the other partner, that’s not the end of the world. If it’s something you are disgusted by or against, that’s another story from finding it not particularly erotic. I’m not turned on by giving foot jobs for example, but I’m happy to let you give me a pedicure. On the other hand, if you want to pretend to be my brother, I can’t really go there.

You won’t know until you try it.

Unless it’s something that is on your non-negotiable list—and it’s not a bad idea to reconsider those things every once in awhile, as our emotions change from varying exposure and growth—be open to trying new things.

You don’t have to be seriously into a kind of play to enjoy the experience for what it is or to learn new tricks in bed.

Make it about her pleasure.

You might not be compatible for a long-term relationship or as a life partner with your new distraction, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy an interesting sexual relationship. Forget your fetishes for the time being and indulge her in hers.

You can both be totally open about how unlikely the relationship is to “go somewhere” and still enjoy what goes down tonight as a chance to connect sexually. Most of us can enjoy broadening our horizons for a few encounters, and by focusing on her desires and fantasies you’ll get to experience her while experiencing sex in a new way.

Come to terms with the reasons for your own discomfort.

You might want to ask why it’s difficult for you to switch it up. Are you too dependent on the same old same old? Are you shy or nervous about new experiences? Are you uncomfortable because a woman’s desires doesn’t align with yours, and you have issues with women you can’t control? Are you being selfish? Are you afraid of not performing well? Are you letting a past bad experience taint your present and future?

It’s always worth considering what our reasons are. Our kinks and our aversions can really clue us into deep truths about ourselves. Why not take advantage of every new relationship for its teaching opportunities?

We might be led into wider pleasures just by coming to terms with the reasons for what we like and don’t like.

Ask if she’s game to explore some of your desires.

Don’t assume she’s not adventurous or willing to change experiences to be with you. You might negotiate some common ground after all, or she might think it’s hot to try to fulfill some of your fetishes.

You can’t find out unless you ask.

Tell us what you think! 2 Comments

  1. Lisa

    September 12, 2019 at 5:36 pm

    Thank YOU, JAMIE (right? LOL) Really germane insights, and you are a wonderful writer. Seriously. And Ima New Yorker Person. Had a pretty messy and sort of startling situation with my man. FaceFuck on phones, all good and then he suddenly breaks my rhythm, and I was edging HARD. Abruptly he says, “You’re talking too much. Moan and Groan. Jesus! And he’s a man who claims Catholic Guilt Issues. 🙄 Was gonna research doing like a… idk… #Sexorcism on him (as he’d suggested it) and now feeling shut down. UGH!!! Hate it when my SexLove life gets messy!!! Yet, you truly helped me understand it really isn’t “Just Me” being “Too Much” ❤️ BRAVISSIMO! – Lisa

    • Holly

      Holly

      September 17, 2019 at 12:56 pm

      Hi Lisa! I passed your comment on to Jamie to respond to:

      I really appreciate your comment! It’s always wonderful to connect with other highly sexual women who have the beauty-and-brains thing going on. Sometimes I leave that part of myself on “nightlight” mode, or turn the lights down low if you know what I mean, in the bedroom. But for the most part, especially in kinky connections, the cerebral and imaginative side enhances mine and my partners’ pleasure. You enjoying great literary magazines and epic sex scenes is not separate or unrelated, but both aspects of your whole personality. Maybe your lover has a hard time keeping up with the conversation? Perhaps you’re thinking of moving on to someone who isn’t trying to silence you, but if you’re working it out, tell us how! I don’t like feeling like I’m “too much” — it can mean my partner is “too little.” Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and experiences! — Jamie

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