Once you’ve been exploring the BDSM lifestyle for a few years, it’s hard to imagine not everyone knowing what you know. But when I think about it, I really didn’t get going until I was in my thirties.
Basics for BDSM Beginners
I know a couple who didn’t get their kink on until their fifties, so I think it’s fair to say that there are beginners of all ages out there—some will never be interested in BDSM while others just don’t know where to start. Here’s a little Q&A for the keeners.
What is BDSM?
The term gets interpreted as a combination of abbreviations: B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/S (Dominance and Submission), and S/M (Sadism and Mascochism).
Most practitioners are not into everything under the BDSM umbrella but have very specific interests.
To get an idea of just how varied BDSM activities can be, see our Big List of BDSM Play.
What if I’m not into pain or humiliation?
These are just two small facets of BDSM. You may only want to explore spanking, or maybe bondage, or role playing. For many, theirs fantasies and fetishes only focus a very small part of BDSM and that’s as far as they want to go.
Where do I learn techniques and practices?
Most people first learn about BDSM practices from watching kinky porn, and that’s okay, but… BDSM porn (often portrayed in a hardcore way) is not like most real life kinky sex. Many BDSM relationships have nothing to do with sex but rather a power dynamic. Watch porn for inspiration but use alternative sources to educate yourself.
See our Guide to BDSM Education for links to kinky courses and free tutorials.
I recommend visiting sex shops to talk to experts about toys, fetishes, and safety. Attend workshops and conventions for tutorials on everything from sensory play to bondage techniques to d/s relationship practices.
Where can I meet kinky women?
It’s not always easy sharing our fetishes with a new lover, and most mainstream dating sites don’t encourage posting your kinky proclivities on your profile. Join a niche dating site like BDSMdate.com where singles and couples meet their kinky matches. This is a site where you can be very open about who you are and what you are looking for—beginners are welcome!
For more options see all our recommendations for local BDSM dating sites.
What if I don’t want to do something?
The BDSM community is all about consent, promoting safety and comfortability. Know your limits and boundaries so that you can express them clearly before engaging in any kinky behaviour. Sometimes you don’t know that you will feel uncomfortable until you are in the moment, and that’s when a safe words work well.
TIP: Proceed slowly in your BDSM exploration and stay open. There’s lots of time to explore the depths of BDSM, so enter in slowly and with an open mind. Something you may think is icky now may become a turn on down the kink road.
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