Have you ever been kink shamed?
Has someone tried to hurt or embarrass you, put you down, or treat you differently because of your sexual tastes and fetishes?
Or have you ever kink shamed someone else? Maybe you kink shame yourself, judging your own desires.
What Is Kink Shaming?
We hear a lot about slut shaming, fat shaming, and other kinds of shaming. The landmark work of literature, The Scarlet Letter, in 1850, addressed the public shaming of women for adultery. The infamous, ugly yellow Nazi star was a sinister device used to shame people for being Jewish. The dunce cap was another device used to shame students who misbehaved or learned more slowly.
Kink shaming is when we shame another person because of their sexual tastes.
The more unusual or socially unacceptable someone’s kink is, the more likely they are to experience kink shaming.
Read: 9 Taboo Kinks and Fetishes
Examples of Kink Shaming
There are many ways kink shaming takes place.
Taunting “faggot” in the school yard is a kind of kink shaming.
Outing them at a family holiday dinner to expose their fetish is kink shaming.
Using their fetish or desire to fire them from their work or deny them a job in the first place is kink shaming.
Praying about their kink out loud is kink shaming.
Forcing them to see a psychologist or doctor is kink shaming.
Spreading pictures, text messages, or hateful, embarrassing information on social media is kink shaming.
Telling other people confidential things about a date or ex’s sexual tastes is kink shaming.
Spreading gossip and rumours about someone’s sex life is kink shaming.
Mocking someone on Instagram, in a blog article, or at the family dinner table for their fetishes is kink shaming.
Telling someone they are sick or need help because they have an unusual fetish (to you) is kink shaming.
Outing people about their kink to others is kink shaming.
Read: Dos and Don’ts of Coming Out of the Kink Closet
Putting someone down, calling them a freak, or showing your disgust, whether a lover, parent, or child, when you don’t like something about their sexuality, is kink shaming.
Accusing people of being sexist or racist or not being a “real man” because they have a particular kink is kink shaming. (Many women have rape fantasies, but they identify as feminists. Many men are attracted to transgender women and are condemned as transphobic “tranny chasers” or as not “real men.”)
Why Kink Shaming is Wrong
It is always wrong to shame another human being, for any reason—whether it is their body, their cultural background, their religion, their gender or sexual orientation, their status or class, or their sexual desires.
Kink shaming causes serious emotional harm, destroys self-esteem and relationships, and sometimes destroys people’s jobs, reputations, and families. Kink shaming has led to violence, including self-harm, murder, and suicide.
Do You Have to Celebrate all Kinks?
No matter what your own personal proclivities, whether you fantasize about rough sex and degradation with dozens of boxers or luchadors, or sweet soft lovemaking with your lifetime one and only, someone’s tastes will make you squeamish.
Read: Should You Disclose Your Kinks and Fetishes?
It’s okay to be turned off, dislike, or disapprove. It’s human nature to find some sexual desires disagreeable or worse. You don’t have to wave flags for someone else’s kinks and it’s okay to have your own opinions about what’s hot and what’s not, or your own views about what is healthy or normal. We all do it.
What’s not okay is to air your views in a way that puts someone else down. What others want and do in bed is their business. The only concern is consent.
Understanding that people’s fantasies are very different from their day-to-day lives, and that people you love and admire may have sexual desires you don’t personally share or approve of, is key.
Understanding that people don’t choose their deep-seated desires is essential to accepting humanity.
Read: Can Your Kinks and Fetishes Change?
Deep psychological, social, and biological forces are at work on our sexuality, and these are forces beyond our control. Some of them are imposed on us, by dramatic situations like abuse and by benign circumstance. Some are inexplicable.
The sweetest, kindest, most successful person may have intense sexual needs that involve humiliation and violence. Someone else may have unexplained and impossible-to-fulfill sexual desires.
It’s not our place to psychoanalyze or try to alter anyone else. You don’t have to like it, but you do have to treat everyone as a human being and mind your own business.
People with colorful or even disturbing (to some) sexual tastes are no more or less likely to commit crimes, circumvent consent, hurt other people, or bring harm to themselves or their families or workplace.
How to Not Kink Shame
By minding your own business, and adopting a sex positive attitude, you won’t kink shame anyone by accident or malice.
Don’t talk about people’s sexuality behind their backs. Don’t make fun of people for their kinks. Don’t spread gossip. Keep your opinions to yourself.
Being sex positive means you believe there are many forms of sexuality and ways to express sexuality. It means you believe each person has the right to be free of shame and harm, no matter how they are sexually wired, and no matter what your personal taste or opinion is on the matter.
Read: 4 Reasons to Share Kinks Early in a New Relationship
Don’t participate in office gossip or social media kink shaming. Stand up for loved ones and strangers when you see gossip or kink shaming.
Don’t Kink Shame Yourself
Adopt a sex-positive attitude and compassionate acceptance towards yourself as well as others. Instead of obsessing about a kink you feel that maybe disturbs you or that you don’t understand, recognize that we don’t choose our desires.
We choose our actions, and you can choose to explore your kink or just accept that it is there. If you can’t find a partner who is interested in the same kink, or who is willing to indulge, don’t shame yourself over the kink.
Read: Your Kinky Lifestyle: Who Needs to Know?
Be understanding that the way you feel is unique. No matter what your kink is, you are probably not alone, but finding a sexual partner is a lottery even if your taste is widespread and generic!
Accept your sexuality with the same understanding and compassion that you hopefully feel for others.
Have you been kink shamed? Please share your experience.
Tell us what you think