Every individual has a different disclosure style and a different way of approaching their sexuality and who should know about it.
Some take the nothing-to-hide route and are out loud and proud about their kinky lifestyle, wearing their proclivities on their sleeve for all to see. Others see the big reveal on a need-to-know basis.
Some see kink and fetish as a lifestyle beyond the bedroom, and for them it’s important to be a part of the kink community to socialize with like-minded friends. Others don’t see much point in waving flags outside the bedroom about what happens there.
No matter where you stand on the subject, it can be tricky to navigate the social waters of a kinky lifestyle. When is frank, candid conversation too much? Whose business is our business? And why and when should we hide our truth, if ever?
Kinky connections can get complicated, too, when some lovers are unabashed and others expect discretion.
How and When to Talk about Your Kinky Lifestyle
What you share is a personal choice, and a choice that may change along the way. But here are some key points to consider.
Make your own choices, and respect your lovers’ choices.
Just because you think your lover should tell her family about her kinky lifestyle doesn’t mean you should tell them for her. You may view the issue as her standing up for herself and not living in shame. But she may not feel shame at all, and simply want to respect her family without going into detail about her private life.
Read: 6 Reasons NOT to Share Your Kinks
Don’t hide your sex life from your doctor, therapist, and other health professionals.
It doesn’t matter if your doctor is elderly, religious, or from a strict culture—don’t make assumptions that he or she can’t do their job, which is to help care for your health. If you are certain they can’t accept your lifestyle, find another one.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if they jive with your choices or approve of your kinky lifestyle — it only matters that they know what kind of sex life you engage in so that they can care for your health. For example, don’t say you are monogamous if you are polyamorous. Be up front about number of partners, and what kind of activities you are doing when it’s relevant, to stay up to date on health tests and risks.
Read: How and When to Share Your Kinks
Don’t be ashamed if your kink lifestyle is “found out.”
You might not want to declare your fetishes over the factory loudspeaker system, but if it turns out that your manager sees you at a kink party or shows up in rubber with a paddle and a rope, there’s no need to run and hide. Obviously you share common interests — simply assure him or her that you will be discreet and expect the same.
If it’s a matter of your mother-in-law showing up unexpectedly with an apple pie and seeing your adult playpen and diapers in the rec room, less is more. Tell her that you’re sorry she had to inadvertently wade into your private life, and ask her to give you a heads up before another pop-in to avoid discomfort in the future.
Read: How to Keep Your BDSM Lifestyle Confidential
Most dates need to know something, but how much depends on many factors.
If you have an extreme or disturbing fetish and can’t connect sexually without it, you will want to date folks who share that kink or are open-minded and eager to please. If you are more generally kinky in a creative way, you don’t always need to be specific in advance. It all depends on what will make your date comfortable and have the best potential outcome for the two of you.
Want to find like-minded kinky partners online, where it’s easy to disclose your kinks? See our Guide to Kinky Dating Sites.
Kink Lovers, what are your thoughts on how and when to share your kinky lifestyle?
Tell us what you think