Q & A

Help! My Lover’s Kink Is Too Extreme

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Dear Jamie,

I’m an imaginative and very sexual forty-year-old woman. I love both the playful and disciplinary aspects of fetish life. I enjoy domination, and humiliating a bottom is thrilling for me. I never thought I’d say this, though—I feel like my current partner is too extreme in his desire to be dominated.

While I love the idea of a man worshipping a woman and a dom controlling her sub, this whole sissy boy thing and the femdom thing turns my stomach. It seems it’s not just about female domination but of eradicating the masculinity of the man. I want to be open minded and give my man pleasure, but when he recently confessed that his deepest desire is castration, I just about lost my lunch.

Now it’s hard to play dominatrix, because I realize it doesn’t go far enough to thrill him.  Am I being judgemental? I discovered there is a whole castration kink thing going on, part of extreme sissification, among other kinks. Some actually do it.

I want to run now because I can’t shake the feeling that my partner is really sick. But that feels hypocritical since I’m into stuff others find extreme. It would be easier if he was just a date or a casual lover, but I really love this man. We have a lot in common outside the bedroom, and I thought we had a great sex life too, until he told me he wasn’t satisfied because I’m too lite in my dom style. —Joan

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Yikes, Joan, this is tricky. Here is one reason why I advocate so often about being very specific in an online dating profile or early on before intimacy takes place. Because extricating yourselves, once you’re involved and held really important information back, can be excruciating.

The boundaries of how kinky is healthy are complicated because they can change for each person and each relationship. BDSM and sadomasochism require creativity and trust, and psychologists recognize more and more the utility and genius of kink in helping us process and control the ups and downs of real life.

But I’m of the mind that just as politics or religion can be natural and healthy, or they can be “extremism” that is dangerous, so can kink and fetish. There are times when a proclivity is impossible, illegal, or unethical. There may be consent issues or the issue of lasting harm that goes beyond the session itself.

The difficulty here is that even though we probably all have lines we don’t want crossed and boundaries that mean a breach of ethics, that in and of itself doesn’t resolve a person’s fetish or make it go away. You can’t change your man’s mind—not by giving in to his desires and performing in the ways he wants, and not be saying no way. He is where he is.

It’s a very tough situation, but one that probably has no happy resolution. If you can’t make your peace with his kink, and he can’t moderate his desire, there isn’t much left for you in being together sexually. I feel a sense of grief here on your behalf, that some things can’t be fixed. I urge you to talk together as openly as you can, and make a mutual decision from there.

Love,
Jamie

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