How much should you tell? When is being honest about yourself too much information? Who needs to know?
Whether you make a big revelation, or share your darkest desires with only a chosen few, coming out kinky can be nerve rattling and liberating at the same time.
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Some of us take the nothing-to-hide approach, while others decide it’s no one’s business but our own and our partners.
Whether you tell all or keep mum, these dos and don’ts are a handy guide.
Don’t Apologize for Your Desires
Everyone has sexual escapades, fantasies, secrets, mishaps, and stories. When you come out, don’t apologize or say, “I know some people will find this disturbing” or anything of the sort. Own your desires and your identity. By acting confidently instead of neurotically, you signal others how to react.
Do Respect Others’ ViewsÂ
Sometimes a friend or a date will grumble to me that they are victims who have been made to feel like perverts.
It’s true that society can still harbor judgemental views towards sexuality; but more often than not, the source of this discomfort is that we’ve made other people uncomfortable.
I kid you not, I was once at a board meeting and the subject of human rights versus family values came up. One of the branch managers suddenly blurted, “I’m sick of discrimination. So what, I like having my ass fisted, and that’s my business.” Except that he’d made it everyone’s business.
I’ve enjoyed such dirty delights myself, but I strongly feel that this kind of pronouncement is not unlike pulling your cock or pussy out against their will and to the surprise of everyone else. Not cool. It’s violating.
He was fired and made a big stink about prejudice.
Come out when it’s appropriate, not just for shock value.
Don’t Wait too Long in a New Relationship
Since most of us meet folks who share fetishes online or at fetish bars, we can usually be up front about our kinks from the get go. But there are occasions when we fall for someone at work or the gym, and they don’t know much about what’s behind the scenes.
I prefer to tell people before I sleep with them, to save them from feeling misled, teased, or crushed with bitter disappointment if they read the signals wrong.
I feel it’s using someone if I’m intimate with them, and they think I’m looking for long-term love. For emotional and health reasons, my partner deserves to know that I play the field and enjoy a spectrum of lovers and kinky activities.Â
Do Be Willing to Answer Curious Questions
While I’m against throwing it all out there on some unsuspecting soul when someone has specific questions, I respect the fact that they’re seeking information and answers to a subject I introduced.
If they just want to be titillated, I’m more demure. But when someone wants to be better informed or understand me, I respect that and gauge the level of detail and disclosure appropriate to that person and their interest.
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