Should You Give Up Your Fetish?

Is there a reason you would stop your fetish, or a specific kink?

Is there a situation that would make such a choice necessary or desirable? Are there ever any good reasons to leave a kink behind and close the door? Would you give up one particular kink or a few and keep others?

9 Reasons to Stop a Fetish

1. Your fetish is harmful physically or psychologically.

A kink or fetish could be harmful to you or to your partners. Of course, consent is key, but there are dark desires or dangerous games that may not have a safe version or a safe enough version.

Some people may experience their dark desires in a negative way or feel they are being sucked into more extremes, or that giving time and expression to a kink is not healthy. They may worry about harming their partner.

While the BDSM community always prioritizes safety and consent, some kinks are dangerous or psychologically disturbing to ourselves or our partners. It is reasonable to choose not to pursue a fetish if we feel it is harmful.

Read: The World’s Most Extreme Kinks and Dangerous Fetishes

2. You are ashamed of your fetish or behavior.

We often feel shame about being wired a certain way.

Get some support if you can’t accept yourself. Trying to stop a kink to make it go away seldom works. You can learn to accept and control your fetish, so that you hold the power. Then you are free to play it out or to abstain, without the shame either way.

3. Someone else wants you to give up your fetish.

Sometimes we are asked by a lover, a family member, or a friend to give up our kinks.

They may have our best interest in mind, if the fetish is harmful as I explained above. However, usually when someone wants you to deny a part of yourself, they are controlling or have other toxic motivations, so be careful if it’s not you who wants to give it up.

Read: What If Your Kinks Aren’t Compatible?

4. You made the choice to commit to someone who doesn’t share your kink.

There are times when we choose to prioritize a relationship over a kink. In our sexual relationship with that person, the kink does not come into play and they don’t want to participate.

While we commonly seek out partners who share our sexual tastes, it is sometimes the case that we fall for or get involved with someone with different sexuality. The relationship may be so important to us that we choose it over following our kink.

To be clear, I am not talking about when a partner is controlling and policing us, but when we volunteer to go without.

While this reason doesn’t happen commonly, if it is truly consensual it can sometimes work. If the kink is not very important to your sexual pleasure and the relationship is very important, for example, or if your kink is something fulfilling from fantasy alone.

Read: How to Enjoy Vanilla Sex

Consider that most people sacrifice some of their sexual interests to contain them in a relationship. Most couples give up other lovers, some people give up porn, and even polyamorous, kinky people may have rules like “no sleeping with ex-girlfriends.”

I’m not a big fan of this reason myself, preferring to be with partners who share my desires. However, a good friend told me she gave up intense BDSM for a mild, playful version because that was as much as her new husband could do. But before they married, he told her if it was very important to her, he would consider an open marriage so she could fulfill her sexuality.

She said she wasn’t polyamorous, but his willingness to sacrifice something made it easy for her to give things up. They are very happy and enjoy great sex!

5. A religious or spiritual change occurs.

If you become a monk, you will become celibate. You won’t just give up your kinks, but sex in general! Less dramatic conversions are more common.

You may embrace a new spirituality that asks you to limit your partners or the kind of sex you have. Some religions have a negative view of human sexuality. But some may empower you to focus on other things or take charge of negative habits.

Read: 9 Taboo Kinks and Fetishes

6. Your fetish spins out of control.

Sometimes a kink can become all-consuming. Sex is a very powerful drive and sometimes feels like it is overtaking us. One way we control our intense desires can be to step away from them. This can be a fetish or kink, or it can be about a particular person, such as an affair that is destroying our marriage or a desire for someone who is toxic to you.

Sometimes walking away is the best strategy. But sometimes saying goodbye to a kink can make it more powerful. Proceed with caution!

7. Your fetish isn’t doing it for you anymore.

While many kinks are deeply imprinted and woven permanently into our sexuality, others are fun explorations or changeable. We develop new desires and discard others.

8. Your libido has changed.

Changes in our sexual desire can mean different responses. Something that seemed hot and intense at a different point in our life now feels silly or simply doesn’t stimulate.

9. It’s not possible to get the consent you need to act.

There are things that sometimes drive us that we cannot act out ethically. Some of us are plagued with dark or destructive desires. Others are attracted to those who can’t consent or acts that cannot be consented to. We can and must control our desires if they are violent or legitimately taboo.

Read: Implied Consent or Expressed Consent?

We don’t need to feel shame, as such desires may stem from abuse, biology, or something else we can’t help, but we don’t need to act out abusive fantasies or end up in jail. We can find other paths to pleasure.

Read: The BIG List of Kinks: 120+ Fetishes Explained

Did you stop a fetish, or do you want to? What is your reasoning?