I have two guy friends who are struggling with the same issue in their relationships. They both complain that their girlfriends used to be kinky, experimental, and keen to explore BDSM. But now they have a more vanilla approach, and less interest in anything “outside the norm” of sex.
My friends feel less happy as a result and are looking for answers as to why their partners aren’t kinky anymore, without bringing it up or coming off as jerks.
As someone who can relate to the woman’s side of things, I thought I’d share some possible reasons why she’s not kinky anymore, or less interested in the kinks of old. First off, waning desire in many areas of one’s sex life happens a lot in relationships, so you don’t have to think it’s you personally (although it could be) that’s causing a shift.
Here are some things to consider that often shift a woman’s kinky interests.
8 Reasons She’s Not Kinky Anymore
1. She’s Been There, Done That
While BDSM and kinky pursuits can be thrilling for many, a woman who has been sexually adventurous for her entire adult life, may enjoy a more grounded game as she ages. Also, as a relationship ages, so does the sex life within it.
It takes work on both sides to keep things fresh. Talk about your needs and desires.
Read: 5 Tips to Get Your Kinky Back
2. Hormones Happen
Depending on her age, a woman who is perimenopausal or who has already hit menopause can have a different relationship to sex and her body, because of changes in hormones. She may be experiencing a drop in her libido or changes in her weight that make her less interested in sex overall, not just kinky sex.
3. Stress Affects Everything
Stress can have a negative effect on your sex life. If she or you or both of you are dealing with financial issues, moving, birth, death, illness, or any other kind of major change, she may just not be feeling kinky anymore.
It’s hard to get into the idea of being tied up and spanked when you’ve got heavy burdens weighing on you.
4. She’s Bored of a Specific Kink
Like anything, if you do it enough times, a kink can become boring unless you innovate.
Think of a favorite recipe. You love it, it’s trustworthy, you know what to expect—it’s a good foundation. But what if you add a little of this or a pinch of that? The results can be very exciting.
You can put a fresh twist on almost any kink or fetish, or try something completely new that is challenging, both physically and mentally.
Read: 5 Ways to Put a Twist on an Old Kink
5. She’s Uninspired
I’ve been writing about kink for almost a decade, and in that time I’ve discovered all kinds of fetishes and kinks I didn’t know existed that have inspired my own sexual exploration.
For you and your partner, inspiration may come from attending a sex workshop or club or resort to learn new kinks, tips and techniques. Or maybe a lifestyle shift is the answer—would she want to try an open relationship? Would you?
Read: BDSM Education: Where to Learn Online
6. There Are Issues in Your Relationship
If she’s not kinky anymore and the sex is just about having it and getting it over with, sans frills, there could be something deeper going on. If there’s no sex, then for sure there’s issues that need dealing with.
Be real with yourself, and assess your connection, or better yet, have an honest conversation with your partner. Ask her straight up how she’s feeling about your relationship, and the sex or lack thereof.
7. She Doesn’t Feel Desirable
Want a woman who wants you? Make her feel desirable.
It’s not always this simple, but more often than you might think, it is. Pay attention to her and the small things that go on in her day-to-day life. Reach out during the day, to see how she’s doing, tell her what she means to you, make small gestures daily through touch and compliments and acknowledgments.
Read: 5 Tips to Bring Out Her Kinky Side
8. Your Kink Isn’t Her Kink
I don’t have to like a kink or fetish to indulge a partner, and neither do many women. Your pleasure is often our pleasure. But we all have our limits and boundaries, about what we’re willing to do. And there may be a time limit on that too—she may try what you’re into a couple of times but decide that she just can’t get into it anymore, even if it means pleasing you. Accept and respect the shift.
You can either adjust what you like to make her okay with it, or give that kink a funeral and move onto something else. Or… maybe it’s time to focus on her kinks and fantasies.
Read: Mismatched Kinks and Fetishes: How to Deal
Have you experienced a kink-to-vanilla shift in your relationship? How did you adjust?
Tell us what you think