Just the Tips

New to BDSM? 8 Dos and Don’ts

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Are you new to BDSM and in the early stages of your kinky pursuits? Do you want to dive right in to explore your deepest desires, your darkest fantasies?

It’s hard to slow things down when something excites us sexually, in our mind or in the heat of the moment with another passionate lover. But there’s plenty you can do between thought and action, to ensure a positive outcome.

It would be great if we could just wave a wand or snap our fingers to make things happen, but it’s actually a good thing that there’s time for planning before execution in the kinkverse. Let’s talk about some dos and don’ts that will help you make those desires happen when you’re new to BDSM.

Dos and Don’ts When You’re New to BDSM

1. DO research everything you can.

Porn is great for arousal and masturbatory purposes, but it’s not a great teacher when it comes to BDSM practices. Scenes are staged and acted, so what might actually look like fun and games could actually be dangerous or not so much fun in real life.

2. DON’T try something that you’re not sure about.

If you’ve only heard about electrostimulation, but know very little about what it actually entails, or any other kinky practice, cancel your plans and seek out articles that will give you the necessary information to get started. There are true professionals for hire also if you’re single and having trouble finding a play partner.

See our Guide to BDSM Education, a resource for people new to BDSM looking for ideas and training.

3. DO find compatible lovers and fetishists.

While there are some solo kinks for individuals to enjoy, many fetishes and fantasies involve more than one player. If you’re new to BDSM, check out niche dating sites for kink lovers who share your interests. There’s so many to choose from that you can narrow your scope to just about any kink.

Read: Best BDSM Dating Sites

4. DON’T force your kink on someone.

Many BDSM practices need to be properly negotiated and require a significant amount of trust between consenting partners. Bringing up your desire to have your balls twisted and smacked on a first date isn’t a good idea. Enjoy casual dating and sex on your quest to meet someone who is into what you’re into.

Read: Kink Lite for BDSM Beginners

5. DO take safety measures when necessary.

Many kinks, from bondage to breath play to flogging, have specific precautions and warnings about how to play. BDSM safety measures and safe words exist for a reason. As a BDSM beginner, you don’t want to end up in the hospital or worse because you were too horny or lazy to do it right.

Read: Newbie BDSM Musts

6. DON’T half-ass it with complex kinks.

This is similar to safety but might involve having the right equipment or accessories. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right is a good way to think about BDSM practices. Edge play is the umbrella term for many dangerous kinks that require things to be done in a very particular fashion.

Read: 3 Reasons to Explore BDSM Slowly

7. DO test your limits and boundaries for personal growth.

Being open to our lover’s kinks can go a long way in building trust and having your own fantasies met with an open mind and heart. Whether you’re experienced or new to BDSM, one of the most exciting things about BDSM is that it is a safe place to test your limits, with the right person.

8. DON’T continue with anything that you’re uncomfortable with.

Sometimes we have a fantasy for so long that when we actually try it out, the reality falls flat because it is unable to meet our expectations. Or, it just doesn’t feel good or right or comfortable.

It’s always okay to stop, immediately if need be, or at any time when you no longer feel okay about what you’re engaging in. Leave the room, walk away—do what you need to in order to protect your physical and emotional well being.

New to BDSM and looking for more tips? Read BDSM Basics for Beginners

Kink Lovers, what dos or don’ts would you add for people new to BDSM?

Tell us what you think!

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Kink Lovers is the online magazine for kinky people into BDSM, fetish, and kink. If you want to explore your kinky side, spice up your love life, or meet new kinky partners - enter the world of Kink Lovers. Enjoy D/s relationship advice, kink education and resources, BDSM and kink dating tips, fetish facts, and reader confessions.

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