Just the Tips

Too Kinky? Dating Someone Kinkier Than You

Kinky Woman with Hooks in Chest

It’s normal to worry about your kinks and fetishes and wonder if you’ll meet a match made in heaven and not freak out your new lovers.

But what if you’re the vanilla one and find out the hottie you’re seeing is kinkier than you, and into stuff you find over the top?

Or maybe you’re as kinky as they come, but don’t think you can rise to the occasion because her fetish is a little too freaky for your tastes.

“I love rough play and female domination,” writes Kevin, 29. “But my date started to choke me and whipped out a massive dildo, said she was going to turn me into her little girl. I was not into it at all.”

Jason, 33, said he enjoys casual sex and never considered himself vanilla, but doesn’t identify as kinky either. “I’m open to experiments and experiences. But I had no desire to urinate into her mouth when she asked me to.”

If it hasn’t happened yet, it will—we all encounter lovers we consider too kinky, who are into things we find distasteful or extreme. How do you let a kinkier woman down easy without seeming like a spoil sport? And how do you get away if you’re naked and don’t consent to what she wants?

What to Do when She’s Too Kinky for You

Talk about kinks in advance.

It’s best to negotiate our kinks and desires ahead of time, which makes online kink dating ideal. If she found you on Golden Shower Lovers, for example, you won’t be so surprised when she asks for your fountain of youth.

Of course you can’t tell what a woman is into if you meet at work or at the supermarket and agree to a date. But even a casual in-person connection can be modified beforehand with a bit of simple communication.

If you’re polyamorous, for example, you might say so when she asks you out at the dog park. “I’d love to go. Just so you aren’t misled in any way, I should let you know that I’m married. We are polyamorous. Are you comfortable with that?”

Just the same, if you’re planning to hook up for casual sex, you might say, “I really enjoy being submissive. Do you have any kinks I should know about?” This way, if the chemistry is right but the shared desires are way off, you can both negotiate how far you want things to go.

Read: Tips for a Successful Kink-Vanilla Relationship

Be open to her kinks, but not a doormat.

We can enjoy more sex, more lovers, and more experiences if we are open to new things. Shared adventures in bed are great ways to explore kink. I would rather try something with a fun lover than never know if it works for me.

On the other hand, we all have turn offs and personal no-go zones, and shouldn’t be pushed into anything we don’t want or consider too kinky.

Read: 5 Reasons to Try Her Kinks

Politely and firmly decline, but don’t judge her kink.

Don’t condescend and pretend you have moral ownership of someone’s life. Once I asked a guy to tie me up, and he asked if I had been abused as a child!

Just say you aren’t into her proposition or fantasy and wish her well if you can’t find common ground. You don’t have to preach or defend your kinks, and don’t ask her to explain hers.

Read: How To Break Up with Someone Gracefully

Have you dated someone too kinky for your tastes? Please share your experience in the comments!

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Kink Lovers is the online magazine for kinky people into BDSM, fetish, and kink. If you want to explore your kinky side, spice up your love life, or meet new kinky partners - enter the world of Kink Lovers. Enjoy D/s relationship advice, kink education and resources, BDSM and kink dating tips, fetish facts, and reader confessions.

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